Something to Live For
by SarcasticChoices
Summary: When Clary's foster father is arrested she is taken to a new home, she fears it will be just as bad as her previous ones. But when she gets there... She meets her goth foster sister Isabelle, A super muscular foster brother named Alec and cocky hotheaded foster brother Jace! She trusts no one and lives for nothing. Can she find Something to Live For?
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own anything except the plot and any of my personal characters.**

**Clary**

The door slammed shut and I cowered upstairs. Mentally I went over my list in my head. I had done everything. I should be able to get off without any punishments today. My foster father Sebastian had come home from work. Hesitantly I tiptoe downstairs,  
"Is my food ready Bitch?" his eyes had a sharp piercing glint, never a good sign.

"Yes." I answer quietly glancing at my feet, my worn and ratty sneakers scraped the floor as I shuffled across to the kitchen.

"Then where the hell is it?" He exclaims. I pull his plate out of the fridge and heat it up in the microwave. He begins to tap his foot impatiently as we wait in silence. The food finishes with a ding and I quickly hand him the plate. He grabs a beer, takes the plate and heads into the other room, turns the T.V. on and plops down. I sigh with relief and head upstairs.

So far he has been peaceful, but I can't count on anything. Especially when he hasn't had any big deals recently which means he is beginning to run out of money. Those times always seem to be the worst. I seek refuge upstairs in my room. Well I call it my room but it really only resembles a closet. Theres no bed, no windows and the walls are stained yellow. I think they used to be white. I have only been in this home for 3 months. And honestly it has been one of the best ones. He hasn't touched me, yet. He has hit me, and locked me in this room, and I have not had anything to eat in a few days but he hasn't touched me intimately. I hate men, and boys, guys, whatever you want to call them. They are all sick bastards. All of them. And women aren't much better. They might not do the hitting, but they just stand there, or worse leave you all alone helpless and defenceless to defend for yourself. So basically I hate people. Hmm.. That sounds harsh. I extraordinarily despise all living things. There. That's better.

CRASH! I hear a huge bang come from downstairs

Oh. Shit. I'm going to die.

I open my door and run downstairs. The police have Sebastian in handcuffs and are reading him his Miranda rights.

"You have the right to remain silent..." I begin to panic, What's going to happen to me? Surely they won't take me back to Valentine, I shudder, no. Or what about Raphael? No. I won't go back there. I refuse, I will kill myself if I have to go back there. I won't let it happen. I snap back to reality when the police officer looks at me.

"Hello, miss?" he looks at me questioningly " I am police officer Luke Garroway. Are you being held captive?"

"No, I.. I was a foster child, I have been year for a few months."  
"Alright, you are going to have to come with us, do you have a social worker?"

" I do, but I don't know her name or contact information." I study my feet, which have suddenly become extremely interesting. He nods and we all walk outside. I gasp in surprise, there were multiple police cars outside with more officers roaming around outside. Sebastian is taken and put in the back of a car. Mr. Garroway leads me to a different car and invites me to sit in the front seat. He explains that I will be taken to the police station and that they will try to contact my social worker.

He begins to drive and tells me that I can pick a radio station. I leave it off, I couldn't decide if he was being genuine or just trying to fool me. People do that a lot. They trick you into gaining your trust and then they destroy it. They take your trust and mangle it till it lies scrambled, cut and dying on the floor. I study Luke. He looks trustworthy, but I have found I am a horrible judge of character and decide not to trust him at all. He is a man after all. We pull into the station and he climbs out and motions for me to follow. I follow silently into the building. I sit down in one of the chairs and study my surroundings. A fake potted plant rests in the corner and there are red plastic chairs and desks throughout the room. Luke immediately sits down at his desk and dials the phone.

My thoughts start to wonder again. Would they try to contact Jocelyn? Surely they couldn't, or would they check to see if my relatives wanted me only to find that none of them did? I hope they don't. At this point I would rather just run and go be homeless. Less people that way, and it would probably be easier to find food that way. I glanced up to see if I could slip away unnoticed. And I should have known. Of course not, when has anything ever gone my way. Luke was staring right at me while talking on the phone. I slumped back in my seat and began to drift off.

**Luke**

"Please, Magnus? She's a sweetheart. I promise!"

"Last time you said that you dropped off a completely goth girl, dressed in all black, and every other word out of her mouth was fuck."

"But you love her anyway! You and Jenn are such amazing foster parents. You also have a medical degree that is extremely helpful for these situations. This girl looks so broken. On the car ride here she did not speak at all. She only spoke early when I had to ask her who she was."

" So let me get this straight. You found this girl in a major drug dealer's house and she claims she is the foster child. You don't know anything about her, and you want me to take her in. For all you know she was dealing the drugs with him! Or she could pregnant and expecting twins. For heavens sake, she could be a stripper that works at Sousies Lounge!"

"Magnus. Seriously. I do not think she is stripper. When I get a hold of her social worker will you at least look at the file?"

"No. I refuse. I am going to hold my ground! Well maybe. But. Eh, what the hell. Yes. I'll look at it."

"Thank you Magnus! At least look it okay?"

"I said I would okay, don't get your hopes up. I swear if you like the girl that much then why not take her in yourself."

"You know how I feel about that, and she is going to need special medical attention and probably therapy and you know I couldn't pay for all of that."

"So you would take her in if you had more money and felt you could care for her?"

"Yes, I would."  
"Would you have taken Isabelle in?"

"Well, probably not, but.."

"Aha!"

"No Magnus, but she needed a skilled medical caretaker."

" I think you're using me!" Magnus screeched.

"No, I'm not. I'm using your money and skills to get good kids a home. There is a difference."

"Not really."

"Yes, there is. I have to go now. I have to call her social worker."

"Okay, email me the file when you get it."

'Will do." I smile to myself. Magnus is always a sucker for sad cases and I have a feeling this one will be extremely sad. Magnus and his wife Jenn are great friends of mine. They are in their early thirties like myself and have adopted a bunch of kids.

They adopted Jace when he was eight. His mother died when he was born and his father was killed in a tragic car accident. Then they adopted Alec. Alec is a special kid. I personally think he is a little feminine, but maybe thats just me. His parents caught a deadly disease and were killed overnight at the hospital Magnus worked at, Magnus agreed to foster him until relatives could be found. When none turned up he was adopted. Isabelle is their final fosterchild and I found her. Her parents were targets of a mob, I believe both of them gambled. Isabelle was dressed in all black, with black lipstick, and long gloves on her arm to hide her self inflicted cuts. Magnus took her in almost right away. Now Jace is fifteen, Alec is seventeen and and Isabelle is eighteen. Alec and Isabelle act like true brother and sister. Jace fits in as the annoying younger brother. Isabelle now wears colors other than black and freely wears short sleeve t-shirts. Alec takes kickboxing and love to work out, he practically lives in the gym. Jace is a star football player, even though he is a freshmen. That kid has talent. I think this Clary girl could find a true home there. Maybe not at first, but I really think Magnus should take her in.

I found Clary's social worker's number and called her right away.

"Hello?" A prissy, high, squeaky voice answered. Oh dear god.

"This is Luke Garroway, I'm a New York City police officer, you are Clary's social worker aren't you?"

"Oh dear god. What has that brat gotten herself into this time?"

"Nothing, nothing at all, but her foster father was just arrested and she needs a new home."

"Damn that child. Always needing a new home, that one. She could never keep one. She claimed the last one was abusing her physically and sexually but then there was no evidence! Ugg, does she not want to be adopted? I swear."

"If you will excuse me, I was wondering if you could send me her file? I have some friends that foster teen such as herself and think it would be a good idea."

"If you can find someone willing to take that brat of child in then by all means, Can I email you the file?"

"Sure." After I gave her the email address I hung up right away. What an intolerable woman. Who the hell made her a social worker and how does she still have a job? After receiving the email I forwarded it to Magnus and then decided it was time to find the girl and get some food for dinner.

**Hey! Thank you for reading! I just started writing and would love any feedback you guys have. I don't have a set update schedule and updates will happen when possible. If anyone would like to Beta that would be great! I hope you liked the beginning and the next chapter will be from Jace's point of view. Please review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys! Thanks for all the reviews! I love any feedback that you can give me. PM me if you are interested in being a Beta reader. I do not own any characters from The Mortal Instruments. I do however own the plot. And any of my own characters.**

**Jace**

I slam my locker shut and begin to walk down the hall. The final bell shrieks throughout the halls, bouncing off the lockers and echoing down to the students. I wink as I pass Alice and her friends at their lockers. They all smile back and adjust their clothes. Girls. They can be so confusing. I mean who cares what Stacy said about your pink freaking foo-foo I swear, I don't need to hear about how your mom is such a heartless bitch because she didn't let you get the eight inch heels. Maybe she was trying to save your life so that you don't trip and break your neck. I nod at my friend Henry as I walk by. His real name is Hodge. But who the hell names their kid Hodge? Maybe his mother was high when she was giving birth? I don't know but everyone calls him Henry now. he nods back and I head towards the gym locker room for practice.

I'm a freshman at Idris high school and I am on the football team. I was really lucky to make it on the team and start as a freshman. Our team (The shadowhunters) is known for being one of the best in New York. Last year the team made it to the Championship and won. They expect to do the same this year. I think we can make it, we have a strong defense and an aggressive offense. I change into my uniform and head out to the field. Today we are basically just working out instead of running plays. I don't particularly care what we are doing, I just like to be moving. I go to the gym with my brother Alec all the time. Well, we have a gym in our house but we spend a lot of time there. We run laps and lift weights and just screw around until practice is over at five.

Alec is waiting for me, as I walk out of school. Alec is seventeen years old and my adopted brother, we were both fostered and then adopted along with my adopted sister Isabelle. Our parents Magnus and Jenn are the best and treat us all well. It doesn't hurt that they have a lot of money and that Magnus is a doctor. Magnus is always there to joke around with but also there to talk whenever you need to. Jenn is the ultimate mother. Milk, cookies, the whole shebang. She loves to cook and is a food designer. She designs food arrangements for weddings and parties. She is always there for us and would stop everything just to listen to one of us. She loves to take us shopping and buy us all clothes. Honestly, we could all donate half of our clothes to charity and still own more clothes than half of the city.

Isabelle is the protective older sister. When she joined our family the only color she wore was black. I'm not kidding. Only black, I mean I have nothing against black but you should wear more than one color. She also cut herself. Since then she has gone to therapy and is doing much better. All the scars on her wrist have faded into white lines and now she can comfortably wear short sleeves.

Alec is my best friend. He and I work out all the time together, but he definitely works out more. He is obsessed with looking buff and being attractive, but then never dates. Anyone. At all. I secretly think he might be gay, but I would never say anything. I wouldn't care if he was and if he is I hope he tells me.

I climb out of the Aston Martin and head into the Kitchen. All that working out I do means I have to eat tons and tons of food. I dig through the fridge till I find the leftover pizza from last night. I grab four pieces and decide that it will be enough for a snack. I head upstairs to my room with my homework and pizza. I spread my stuff out over my bed.

My bedroom has dark blue walls with accents of black. I keep it neat and everything has a place. I may sound ocd but Jenn would throw a fit if it wasn't. She would come in here and clean it herself. So we came to an agreement a few years ago. She stays out of my room and I keep it clean. Win for everyone. My bedspread is blue and gray and is super warm and fluffy. And yes. I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to say fluffy.

I start on my homework which happens to be Algebra II honors math. I'm taking all honors classes and so far have maintained straight A's. Math is one of my better subjects. I find math easy. There is only one right answer but you can use many different ways to solve the problem. I particularly love the trigonometry. Sine, Tangent and Cosine all seem easy to me and flow naturally for me. I work my though the twenty questions with no problem. I head to dinner and set the table before. Jenn is making her famous lasagna. That is the best lasagna I have ever, and will ever taste. I am positive.

We all sit down and Magnus has one of his looks on his face. That can be dangerous. Very very dangerous. For example, last time he had that look he had just found out that Isabelle had gotten suspended for beating the shit out of some blonde bimbo. Who by the way totally deserved her ass getting kicked.  
"I have something to ask you all." Magnus starts out. And here it is. Hmm.. We are moving! Nah, his goldfish died! we don't have goldfish, um, he is going to turn his hair green! Nope, not that. I give up and turn to listen.

"Jenn and I are considering taking in another foster child. She is fifteen and would be a freshman at Idris. I have read her file and I think we could really help her. She has been in several different foster homes and her most recent foster father was arrested for selling drugs. Luke picked her up and thinks she would benefit from living with us. I'm not giving out details but it is believed that she was not only physically abused but also sexually abused. She could use a stable home and I think we can giver her that."

I glance around trying to gage the other's reactions. Jenn is studying us and trying to figure out what we will say. Isabelle speaks first

"I think it's a great idea," I look her in surprise, "You guys all helped me when I came here even if I didn't want the help at first. I think we should do this for her."

Alec looks undecided. " I don't think it's a bad idea, but are you sure Magnus? Can you handle the extra stress?" he questions.

"I have handled much worse and I think I am perfectly capable of handling this." Magnus states. I realize I'm the only who hasn't answered.

" I think it's a good idea. I mean if she needs a home, we have plenty of space." I don't really think it will affect me all that much, so what? An extra person? That just means we buy a little bit more food and Jenn has fun decorating another room. We all decide that we should take her in and Magnus goes to call the social worker.

**Thanks for reading! Please review :) anyone who reviews will get sneak peak at the next chapter! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Clary**

Luke took me out to dinner and it was just plain awkward. He tried to start a conversation, but I figured that I better not tell him anything, as he could be using it against me. I simply kept quiet, leaving him to ramble on and fill the silence, which was interesting to say the in the least. He has a dog that he loves dearly named Baxter. Apparently this dog is a husky and wolf hybrid. Needless to say, I never want to meet that creature. He has been a police officer for around eight years. He had wanted to be a police officer since he was a little kid and decided to become one when it came time to choose a career. And then it got worse. I know what you're thinking! How could it get any worse? Well it can. He started talking about a foster family he knew. Oh dear god, no. Just kill me now.

I think back to what he said.

"I'm sure you would love them". Wrong. I couldn't love anything if I tried. "They are all really nice and caring. They have kids your age." Translation: They will probably end up abusing you and there are kids your age that will pick on you too! "Magnus is a doctor and his wife does something with food." So he would know how to hide any bruises he gave me and how to make medical exams disappear. Lovely. And as for his wife? Probably some crazy ass bitch that loves food and works at Mcdonalds.

He then continued to drone on about the amazing adopted kids. Apparently Isabelle is this goth chick that used to cut herself. This just means she is handy with a knife and is more likely to stab me or attempt to kill herself and then make it look like it was my fault. Trust me, it's been done before. Then there is Alec. He just sounds like this big ass guy that could probably kill me by sitting on me. Finally, there was Jace. You would think that this damn kid hung the moon and the stars. Apparently, he's a star on the Idris football team even though he is only a freshman. He is taking all honors classes and is extraordinarily smart. He also works out nonstop and could probably break my arm with one hand, which is also possible, or maybe I would be unlucky and it would be a leg. I chuckle to myself. I really do have a morbid sense of humor.

I snap myself back to the present, where I am attempting to fall asleep in the back of the police station. Keyword there was attempting. Luke said that he would take me to visit the merry crew of mutts (The Banes) tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe they will be nice and happy and normal. Ahahaha. Wait, it's me. So they will probably end up being the Bane of my existence. Oh wow, see what I did there? The Banes? Bane of my existence? Oh wow. I must be tired. I'm making punny jokes. Oh, I did it again! Hehehe. I really should try and get some sleep. After counting sheep multiple times I began to drift off into the dark abyss of sleep.

I was back in my own little yellow closet, my own personal yellow hell. Sebastian came upstairs and dragged me out of the closet. He began to cackle loudly.

_"Have you been a good girl? Why couldn't you have done what I asked? Then I wouldn't have to do this. This is all your fault! You dumb whore! You will never amount to anything! You are worthless! You little slut. I bet you do all kinds of things when I'm not around. Do you? Do you?"_

_"No. No. No. I swear! I was good! I didn't do anything! I did everything you asked and listened to everything you said! I swear! I swear! Please don't hurt me! No! No! Please stop!"_

_His eyes lit up with sadistic glow and he pulled out a knife. Then suddenly it wasn't Sebastian anymore. It was Raphael. He looked at me with these eyes full of hunger and lust. No! I thought! No! I won't do this again! I can run. I looked around. There was no way out. No! There has to be. My red hair flipped back and forth as I frantically searched for an escape, a safe haven, but there was no such luck. I was stuck. Raphael began to slink towards me._

_"Are ready for me? You haven't been with any other guys have you? Because if you have, then we would have a little situation. Do we have situation Clarissa? Do we?"_

_"No!" I tried to shout but the words just couldn't come out._

_"Do we have a problem sweetheart? Do we? Come on, be honest here."_

_"No! No!" The words catch in my throat and die on my tongue._

_"Not going to answer me Princess? I'm going to have to do something then, you sure Princess? Not going to answer? Come on! Last chance, darling, answer me!"_

_I back up, trying to get away, to do anything, anything but this. Anything. My back hits the wall. What do I do? What the hell do I do? Breathe, I tell myself. Get oxygen to your brain. You can do this. Just go numb. You won't feel anything. You can do this. I begin to shut down. I just leave the world. One by one I shut off my senses. I'm vaguely aware of blade cutting into my skin, but I block it out and refuse to acknowledge it. I force my eyes open and it isn't just Raphael anymore. It's my own damn mother, Jocelyn, The abandoning bitch. She is just watching. She is letting him do this to me. She doesn't care. She laughs and giggles. She smiles. Tears begin to slide to my face. How could she? She doesn't give a damn that I'm dying here. At all. Not one single fucking bit. She is watching me die and laughing about it! How could she? Don't I mean anything to her? Even just a little? I guess not. I block out my senses again and attempt to push everything away. It didn't work. Come on, don't fail me now! I count slowly and shut off my senses one by one. I sink into oblivion and slip away into the world of the unconsciousness._

Thump! I land on my butt as I fall to the ground. Where the hell am I? Ouch... I rub my eyes trying to push the sleep out. What the hell was I doing? Oh, thats right. Attempting to sleep in plastic chairs. Let me give you a tip, don't do it, it doesn't work out well for you or the chair! I glance around the room. It would appear that it is... Five o'clock in the morning! Marvelous! I didn't want more than three hours of sleep! Ahahahaha, no. Damn it. I needed more sleep! Psh, I will be fine, I get up to go look for some more coffee. Come on caffeine, don't hide now. Come out come out wherever you are!

"Clary? Is that you?" I nearly jump out my skin. Calm down, I tell myself. It's just Luke.

"No-, I mean, yes," I try to answer however without coffee I can't really think.

"What has you up so early? Just excited to meet your new foster family?" He smiles at me. Uh, no. Definitely not.

"Uh, yeah! Thats it! And the sleeping in chairs thing..." Way to go Clary now he will think you are ungrateful and get angry. Oh. No. Defuse. Defuse. Defuse.

"I mean, purple walrus!". That didn't come out right.

Luke chuckled. "How about we find you some coffee and something to eat," he suggested. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut from now on. I silently nod my head. Together we go off to find the kitchen. Did you know police stations had kitchens? I didn't, but apparently they do! He fixed us both a plate of eggs and some sausage. I couldn't eat in front of him, so like last night I just kind of pushed the food around my plate. He began to notice that I wasn't eating and offered to leave the room. I flushed because in order to eat anything I needed to be alone. He seemed to understand and he got up with the remainder of his eggs and walked out. Once he was gone I began to eat the eggs. They were really good even though I was only able to eat a little bit before I was full. I hadn't eaten properly in few days. Maybe food would become regular? Nah, probably not. Better enjoy it while I can.

**Luke**

"So, what is it going to be? Can you take her?" I immediately questioned Magnus as soon as he picked up the phone.

"Dear god Luke, do you know how early it is? Ever heard of sleep? I know you don't need it, but some of us more human people do actually like to sleep."

"Yeah, yeah, but do you have answer?"

"Always the one track mind, aren't you? But yes. We got together as a family and decided to take the girl in. When can you bring her by?"

"If we can get everything worked out with the social worker I can have her there today. So everyone was okay with this? Isabelle was okay with this?"

"Get this, she was the first one to agree."

"What! Not Alec or Jace?"

"Nope, she was completely onboard."

"So what did Jace say?"

"He was hesitant at first but then I think he decided that it wouldn't affect him and that he didn't care, but when turns out she has night terrors and wakes up screaming at three in the morning he might care then."

"I think she will adjust fine. I really do." I tried to reassure him.

" Okay bring her by when you get everything worked out with the social worker. Did you talk to her?"

"Yes, and that is a demon of a woman. I have no idea how she keeps her job."

"Lovely. I will sign anything she needs have her give me a call when you are ready."

"Okay, I will. See you Magnus!"

"Bye Luke." The line disconnected with click and I was ready to call the social worker. What was her name? Mandy? Amanda? I'm not sure. I looked up her number and began to dial.

**Thanks to Thisislaur for being an epic beta! Hope you liked the chapter. Reviewers will get a sneak peek! :)**

**Review! Favorite! and Follow! and thanks to the so many that did! If I get 10 more reviews I will try to finish the chapter and have it up this weekend.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Yo no tengo mortal instruments! (I don't have the mortal instruments) **

**Thanks to thisislaur for being an awesome beta! **

**Enjoy**

**Clary**

Luke had worked out all the details and was now taking me to the Bane's house. I felt out of place and didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't even have a suitcase. The only things I owned were the clothes on my back. I was also riding in a police car, which got us there faster but had everyone else on the road staring at us. Luke parked the car and I climbed out of the front seat. We were in front of this huge building that looked like a multicomplex. This was apparently their house. Holy shit. They obviously had money and suddenly I now felt even sillier for having nothing to bring.

It was around 4 o'clock in the afternoon and Luke had assured me on the ride over that everyone was home except for Magnus; he was working a shift at the hospital. That made me feel a little bit better. I didn't have to meet my new foster father right away. I could learn anything I needed to know about him beforehand. Luke rapped on the door and the sound seemed to ricochet all around the neighborhood. I stood there looking at my feet and trying to blend in. The door opened and a woman in her early thirties appeared. She had silky blonde hair that came down to her shoulders and a round oval shaped face. She had sweet brown eyes that seemed to beg for your trust. I knew better than to believe that. The woman smiled, then she hugged Luke and turned to looked at me. She studied me for a few seconds and then quickly ushered both of us through the doorway. She led us through a huge entryway into a living room with a beautiful white leather couch. Glass vases filled with flowers adorned the room, offsetting the cream colored walls. She started to introduce herself.

"Hi," She looked at me. "I'm sure Luke has talked a lot about us, but I'm Jenn. Did you bring anything with you?" I feel ashamed of myself as I shake my head no.

"Thats fine!" She smiled at me, "We can go together tomorrow and get you anything you need. Until then you can borrow any of Isabelle's clothes, but those will be quite big on you."

"Thank you." I say and eye her cautiously. Why is she being nice to me? Is she waiting for Luke to leave? Or waiting till she has gained my trust? I decide to keep my face blank for the time being.

"Here, come on. Let me introduce you to Isabelle." That's the one that is probably handy with the knife, I think to myself. I have to be aware and ready to flee. Jenn leads Luke and I into the kitchen and there is a girl. She has long dark brown hair that comes down to the middle of her back. She had on tight black jeans, a white tank top, and a black leather jacket. She looked downright scary. She could probably throw a knife at me and kill me with one shot. My hands begin to tremble just as the girl turns around.

"Hi! I'm Isabelle! You must be Clary! How are you?" She questions me immediately and I don't even have time to react. She smiles at me. Okay, this has to be trick. Everyone in this house is fooling me until they have my trust. Then they will become the horrible monsters that I know people truly are. I realise I haven't answered her so I nod at her. Thankfully none of them have tried to touch me, simply because that would either end in me having a panic attack and breaking down or me becoming unresponsive and that usually angers people even more. Jenn and Isabelle exchange a look that clearly says the new girl is crazy. But wait, is that pity in their gazes? No, it couldn't be. Why would they feel sorry for me? It's not like my life was their fault. Everyone was standing there and Jenn and Luke were talking when this huge, and I mean huge guy walked in.

Jenn started to introduce us but I was already shaking and attempting to back the heck up. "Clary, this is Alec. He is seventeen and will be going to the same highschool as you". I have two major problems with that. I have two major, I mean fucking major, problems with that. To start, huge guys that call themselves my brothers tend to end up abusing me. For example, Jonathan. He was at the foster home with Raphael. My second problem with that sentence was the two words high school. In my previous homes they had always forbade me from going to school and insist that I be homeschooled. Needless to say, I never did any school work and would probably be way far behind. Number two, the people! To me it sounded like a death trap. Here, come and learn with a bunch of other kids and try not to die at the same time! Two in one! By this point I was full out shaking and probably about six seconds away from having a full blown panic attack.

Suddenly a man walked through door into the kitchen, and by this point I was already hyperventilating. This man was in his thirties and had the strangest bright green eyes. He immediately told everyone to back away and calmly asked what happened. He introduced himself as Magnus and then started to count. He started at one hundred and had me count down with him. By the end of the first one hundred I was still freaking out. So he started at one.

"Shh. One. You are in my house. Two. You are standing in the kitchen. Three. It's a little after four thirty. Four. There is six people surrounding you. Five. You have met these people before. Six. these people are safe. Seven. You are starting to calm down. Eight. You are beginning to breathe normally. Nine. You are not trembling anymore. Ten. You are almost completely calmed down and ready to move."

I realize that I am no longer panicking and that he has truly managed to calm me down. I have never been able to do that before. Why did he calm me down? All of my old foster homes would have let me panic and taken advantage of me while I was panicking. Maybe he is actually good? Oh wait, I don't live in a fairytale. My bad. But then why? He must be trying to gain my trust so he could do sick and sadistic experiments on me. That must be it. That's more likely than anyone being nice to me.

Magnus handed me a glass of water and then had everyone turn around. How did he know that? With everyone not watching me I was able to drink a little bit of water, but it was still hard with everyone in the room. I set the glass down on the counter and everyone began to slowly turn around.

"Are you okay now?" Magnus asked.

"Ye-e-s." I stuttered. everyone looked at me with... Contempt? Anger? Surprisingly not. Was that pity? Why do they pity me? No, it must be my imagination. People aren't nice. People are monsters. Fucking ugly mean ass monsters. People don't act like this.

They began to talk quietly amongst themselves and then Jenn came up to talk to me. She gave a pointed look at Alec and he hung back.

"Are you okay now? I'm so sorry! I should have known that Alec would be intimidating when you first meet him! I'm so sorry! Are feeling okay? Do you want something to eat? Do you feel sick?" She fawns over me. I have to check to make sure that my mouth is closed. Someone is apologizing to me? They must have put drugs in the water and I'm hallucinating. That has to be it. It's the only answer. No? Maybe, it's a show? For Luke? Yes. that must be it.

I look at her questioningly and ask her quietly,"Are you apologizing to me? You aren't and I'm going insane right?" She looks at me with the most heartbreaking expression I have ever seen.

"What do you mean, are you going insane? Of course not. I'm apologizing for not warning you first or doing something to prevent you from panicking," Jenn replies.

What's going on here? Did I fall into an alternate universe where there are nice people? No, it can't be. I refuse to fall for their spells and witchcraft. I know what they are doing and I will not allow myself to falter from the facts. They are tricking me and that's final. Jenn continues to talk quietly to me and I just keep nodding and refuse to listen, when suddenly a boy probably around my age enters the room.

"Hey, I'm home," yells the boy. Holy hell, that kid is loud, "Why are we all standing here, oh, hey Luke!", he continues. This must be Jace. Jace has golden honey hair and oddly enough, golden eyes. I have never seen a person look anything close to Jace! Then he spots me,

"So thats why we are all in the kitchen." He starts to walk towards me. Oh shit. I back up quickly and he stops moving.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you!" he says. His facial expression is sincere. I gasp. He is the second person to apologize in less than five minutes. He hears my gasp and whirls around, "What," he asks, "What is it?"

"I, uh, nothing, it's just that you apologized too," I say quickly. At first he looks confused and then a look of understanding flits across his features. Then there is pity. What is it with these people and their damn pity? I'm fine. It's not their problem. They don't need to worry about me. Jace looks at me. I don't even know how to process that. Why is he looking at me? Is there something on my face? Is he zoned out? Does he think I'm ugly? Is he planning my murder in his head? That's it. He is going to enlist that Isabelle girl and get her to knife me. Then he is going to get Alec to drag my body and bury it somewhere no one will find me, and then all three of them are going to come running in the house and pretend I ran away. They will report me missing and no one will ever find me. Wait, did I just plan my own murder? Hm, yes. I did. I forgot to take my meds this morning! I have an excuse. Wait. I don't take meds. Damn. There goes my excuse.

I finally snap back into the real world and Jenn and Jace are standing there looking at me. I immediately back up, they must have asked me a question because they continue to look at me questioningly.

"Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. What did you say?"

"What do you want for dinner?" Jenn asks. I rack my brain for things I can make that won't automatically ensure me getting in trouble.

"Um, I can make spaghetti, lasagna, sandwiches, any kind of soup, salads. Whatever you guys want me to make." They both stare at me blankly. I don't understand, What do they want from me? I hate when I don't know what people want. If you know what they want you can give it to them and keep them from punishing you. It keeps them happy and I get to avoid any possible problems. So why are they still looking at me? Did Luke leave? If he did I could say I need to go to the bathroom and crawl out the window. Hm, that just might work. I was just about to ask when Jenn bursts into action.

"I will just have to make everything then!" She began to pull fruits out of the fridge, spices from a pantry, and bowls from cabinets. What is she doing? Does she want me to make all of the things I listed? Most people wouldn't want all of that food. I walk towards her, extremely hesitantly,

"So you want me to make everything?" I ask. She looks at me horrified for a second. Oh my god. What have I done? Then she laughs,

"No, silly. I will make everything. You can go get settled. Is there anything you need? Do you want a snack to hold you over until dinner is ready?" I stare at her in fascination,

"So I'm not cooking anything at all?" I look at her. Maybe she wants me to work on cleaning something else. "Then what do you want me to do? I can clean the floors, or windows. Um, dusting! I'm good at that. Or do you have laundry that needs to be done?" She giggles and tells me to shoo and to go have fun. I guess I don't know how to have fun. What do people even do for fun? I don't know what to do, so I decide to stand there. A tiny part of me wanted to explore, but not with Alec or Isabelle lurking about. I have to be ready for any sneak attacks they might try to launch. Glance around, where did that Jace boy go? He seemed the least scary out of the three of them, but then again, looks tend to be deceiving. Maybe he is the one hiding dead bodies in his closet.

"Are you just going to stand there and stare at the wall?" Woah. Speak of the devil and it shall appear. He walked closer to me, his blonde hair swaying as he walked, but made sure to keep a distance of at least three feet in between us and that made me suspicious. Everything has an alternate motive behind it, so what is it with this family? Why are they acting so nice? I'm going to figure it out. I won't trust them. I, Clarissa Fairchild, solemnly swear to never trust another person as long as I live. I have nothing to live for, nothing I would regret losing, and I will keep it that way.

**Thanks for reading! I know their meeting was not very exciting. In fact it was kinda boring. However the next chapter is Jace meeting Clary in his point of view. It will make a lot more sense. Review, Follow, Favorite! Reviewers get Sneak peeks! But if you are a guest reviewer I can't send anything, sorry! Thank you!**


	5. Chapter 5

Jace

"Hi, guys! I'm home" I shout as I walk in the door. I walked into the kitchen and my whole family was in there. What are they all doing in here? Alec and Isabelle are standing off to the side, looking worried. "Why are we all standing here, oh, hey Luke!" Then I realise there is an extra person in here. "So thats why we are all in the kitchen." This must be Clary. I walk towards her to introduce myself and then stop. As soon as I had started to move she flinched back and tried to back up. Oh crud. I scared her already. Way to go Jace. You have known her all of two seconds and she is already fucking afraid you. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you!" I try to apologize. I turn around to leave when I hear a gasp. What did I do this time? "What? What is it?"

"I, uh, nothing, it's just that you apologized too" she says quickly. What does she I mean I apologized too? I study her face, trying to figure her out. At first glance she appears normal. But then the second time. You realise something is wrong. Her whole body seems to be trying to fold into itself, trying to make itself smaller. She has no confidence. That you can tell even without talking to her. She obviously doesn't like to be touched, she probably doesn't have strong opinions about anything and lets people boss her around. Her eyes are a dull green. They look lifeless, except for second I see a flash of pain, an inner darkness that is kept hidden. It seems extraordinarily obvious to me that she has been hurt and is damaged. Hopefully she will adjust without too much difficulty. It can't have been that bad. Magnus had said she was only physically abused didn't he? Yeah, that must have been it. I snap myself out of my thoughts when I realize Jenn had started talking to Clary,

"What do you want for dinner?" she asks. Clary suddenly looks nervous. What is so scary about dinner? Like what the hell? Come on just pick something!

"Um, I can make spaghetti, lasagna, sandwiches, any kind of soup, salads. Whatever you guys want me to make." What is she talking about? She thinks she has to make dinner? Wow... I would love to know what happened in her previous homes. But she had a social worker and I'm the social worker would have picked up on any major abuse. So maybe she feels the need to repay us for taking her in? Thats still pretty messed up. Jenn looks horrified and then jumps into action, "I will just have to make everything then!". She rushes around the kitchen in a flurry scooping up all the cooking thingies she needs. Clary looks confused and quietly asks,

"So you want me to make everything?"

Jenn again looking horrified responds quickly and firmly, "No, silly. I will make everything. You can go get settled. Is there anything you need? Do you want a snack to hold you over until dinner is ready?". Jenn sounds cheerful but I can tell she is nervous and upset. Clary looks so confused, its as if no one has ever offered her anything. Maybe this is a show and she is trying to get attention. But you can saw how scared she looked earlier and all you did was move towards her, I try to reason with myself.

Clary had begun to move into the living room, then she stops and stares at the wall. I'm not even kidding. She stops, and just stares. There is not even paint she could be watching dry, "Are you just going to stand there and stare at the wall?" I ask her. She whirls around faster than anything I have ever seen in my life, with a wild, scared, and look in her eyes, Fear seems to radiate from her body. She sees that it is just me and her eyes become a little less fearful, but not much. Well either she is an academy award winning actress or she truly is afraid of everything. I walk towards her but keep some distance between us so she doesn't flip out again.

"Well, are you?"

"I, I was just, I was just waiting till," she trails off unsure of herself.

"Do you want me to show you around?" she peers at me from behind a curtain of red hair, she looks like she is trying to decide if I'm going to drag her off and murder her or if I'm going to be nice. Suddenly her eyes darken, her face goes blank and she says quietly,

"No." She doesn't add anything else, she ignores me and goes back to staring at the wall. Thats it? Thats all? No? Is the wall really more interesting than I am? Really? I consider myself good looking and I am superior to the wall. By far. I look way better than the wall. I move closer to her and suddenly her eyes glaze over and she starts to tremble. Oh, shit. what did I do now?

"Clary? Clary? Are you okay?" desperately I try to ask. She doesn't respond. At all. It's as if she couldn't hear me. "Clary! Clary! Hello?" Clary!" She doesn't react at all. She starts to tremble harder and looks like she is going to faint. I run to mind Magnus, "Magnus! It's Clary! She won't respond." I rush out.

"Slow down, what happened? Where is she?"

"She is in the living room, After Jenn started making dinner she walked in there and just stared at the wall. So I offered to show her around and then she said no. So I went to ask why and moved towards her and she shut down. She is trembling and acted as if she couldn't hear me."

"She probably can't hear you," Magnus said as we rush into the living room. When we get there it is even worse. Clary is sitting on the floor rocking back and forth. She is mumbling, something along the lines of "No, no , Stop! No" I can't quite make it out. Magnus looks at her and sighs.

Clary (at the start of her breakdown)

Raphael is calmly walking towards me, No! I think, please no! I feel myself start to shake, No. I must not show weakness. I try to stop shaking and find that I can't. I'm trapped in my own body just as much as I am trapped here. Then I hear a door slam. No! If there is a god, please don't let that be Jonathan. Don't let it be Jonathan. And there must not be a god, because at that moment Jonathan walked in. I stand up to head into the kitchen to make dinner, maybe if i make a really good dinner they won't do anything?

"Bitch, did I say you could move? Did I? No, I don't think I did. Sit the fuck back down." Raphael says this quietly, yet commanding. It is ten times worse than just screaming, With screaming I know that it will be really bad and really hurt but then it will be over. His quiet voice means that he has thought up some sadistic punishment. He yanks me up by my hair pulling some of it out. Sharp pains shoot through my head. Jonathon watches and laughs as I get dragged up the stairs. I'm not too heavy for him to lift but it hurts me more if he drags me. I collide with the wooden planks on the side stairs and my arm starts to bleed. He pulls me into a closet and whips out a pair of handcuffs. He clamps them around my wrists. and then gets out a second pair and puts the pair on my ankles. He makes me kneel down and he ties the two pair of handcuffs together. I can barely move and try to plead with him, "No, no, stop! I didn't mean to! Please, don't!"

He laughs and then Jonathon show me the keys, he dangles them right above my hands so that if I could have move another inch I could have reached them. He bends over and whispers in my ear, " We only have one set of keys, it would be a shame if something happened to them, wouldn't it?" Oh god! If only I was better person, not such a screw up... "You brought this upon yourself sweetheart, if you would just listen instead of doing what you want, we wouldn't have to do this to you. This is for your own good!" Raphael explains to me in his raspy voice. Why couldn't I have been born normal? Maybe I could have had a normal life and not have been such a messed up person that can't listen. I try to listen. I don't take any food unless they tell me I can have it! I do everything they tell me! I ruin everything I touch. I watch in silence as Jonathon puts the key up on high shelf that I couldn't reach even if I could stand up. " If you can reach this and unlock your handcuffs you can come out. Until them I expect you to stay silent and remain in here. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" He says outraged. ! I forgot! I can never do anything right!

"Yes, Sir." Both of them walk away. As they shut the door behind them the last ray of light disappears. Soon I am left alone, completely, in the dark. I can't move very much, if any at all. I can roll over, and roll from side to side but that's about it. I feel myself sink into despair, how will I ever get out. There is no way I can reach the key and I doubt anyone is coming to get me. Suddenly I feel water, what? Is there a leak?

"Clary! Clary! Come on!" What? Who is that? Has someone come to rescue me? Do I have a savior? I don't want to open my eyes to find disappointment. I know no one is there. Then I will have to deal with the fact that not only am I locked in a closet, but I also have voices in my head that don't exist. Maybe if I just quick glance around I won't be as disappointed? I quickly snap my eyes open.

Jace

Her eyes snap open and she glances around frantically. Her breathing is labored and she can't seem to grasp that she is okay. Magnus gets down on the ground with her and starts this weird counting thing. What the hell is that? Magnus takes her pulse and then count with her again. Sweat glistens on her forehead and her fiery red hair clings to her face and neck. That was all my fault. How the hell did I manage that? She had a complete panic attack because of me. I am I really that intimidating? She obviously doesn't like to be touched. Thank you captain obvious! Like no shit sherlock, she just started trembling, I don't even know how to handle that. Do I just never talk to her? No. I want to get to know her. I want to know why she is like this. Maybe I always make sure that there is at least three feet of of space in between us. How is going to ever be able to go to school. I'm a freshman and there are seniors three times my size. Now imagine her in a hallway full of people three times my size, may as well just knock her out now. There is no way she could survive in Idris high school. Ever. I shake myself out of my thoughts and lean against the wall. I check, I am at least six feet away from Clary. Alec and Isabelle watch from the doorway, Jenn is still in the kitchen cooking, and Magnus is still trying to calm Clary down. Clary is beginning to stop trembling, but still isn't breathing right. That poor girl must hate us now.

Clary

When I open my eyes, I am in strange room with a man peering over me. Oh crap, crap crap. Sebastian solf me off again. No! He said he wouldn't do that again! I study the room and realise that isn't what happened. A tall, muscular blonde boy leans against the wall and two other teens are in the doorway. Wha? I try to remember what happened before I had my flash back. Then it all came back.

...The police have Sebastian in handcuffs

"Hi! I'm Isabelle! You must be Clary! How are you?"...

...I'm sure Luke has talked a lot about us, but I'm Jenn

Magnus handed me a glass of water...

..."So thats why we are all in the kitchen,"

"I will just have to make everything then!"...

..."Are you just going to stand there and stare at the wall?"

I have nothing to live for, nothing I would regret losing, and I will keep it that way...

I look at Jace again. He has been the most persistent so far, everyone else perfectly content to leave me on my own. But him, no, he felt the need to try and come talk to me. Jace is still leaning against the wall. But then I realize what just happened. Ohmygod. I just broke down. Now they aren't going to want me. No! Damn it! They were acting so nice! Damn it! They acted like they actually cared, even if it was an act, it was nice. Now they are definitely going to send me back. Wait, I didn't want to be here in the first place, but I tried to reason with myself. I realize Magnus has been counting this whole time and that I am still not breathing right. I focus on Magnus and attempt to regulate my breathing. As soon as I can breathe right I blurt out

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean too! Please, it won't happen again." Where did that even come from? Damn it Clary! Get a hold of yourself! I cringe, I'm talking to myself again. I glance at Jace and he has his eyebrow as if to ask, Are you okay?

"I'm fine, I swear." Wait did I just answer my own thoughts out loud? One side of Jace's mouth quirks up. I must have. Damn it. Why did I say that! They don't care if I am okay or not. Stupid Clary. Magnus offers me a hand to help me up, but I can't make myself take it. Even though not taking it will probably anger him I can't bring myself to do it. I stand up on my own and Magnus smiles at me?

"Are you sure you're okay?" Magnus looks at me searching for an answer.

"Yes." I answer quietly, hoping everyone would leave.

"What happened?" Magnus looks at me expectantly. Oh, god, what do I say? If I explain what really happened Jace could get in trouble and then later when we are alone he could gang up on me. Or he could deny it and I could get into trouble. Or Magnus might not believe me and I would get in trouble anyway. I decide to stay silent. That means I will probably be punished but it is the best option.

"Well? Do you want to talk about it?" Wait, did he just ask if I want to talk about it? Surely he didn't and I heard him wrong.

"Did you just ask if I wanted to talk about it?"

"Yes, If you ever want to talk about anything Jenn and I are always willing to listen. I'm sure Jace, Alec or Isabelle would too if you asked them."

"Yes,"

"Absolutely"

"Sure" They all chorused with positive answers. But they can't really mean that. Why would they listen to me? I must have had a confused look on my face because Isabelle started to explain.

"When I came here, I had a lot of problems. You don't have to deal with it all by yourself. We can help you. I know probably don't trust any of us. It took a long time before I trusted anybody after I came here. But the people in this room, and Jenn, you can trust all of them. They aren't going to hurt you. I know Alec looks scary and huge but he isn't going to hurt you. And Jace won't either. Jace may act a little cocky but you really can trust him. You can trust any of us. Really."

Magnus interrupts her "We are never going to hit you. There will be no forms of physical punishment in this house. Ever. We do have rules, but you have free will to do what choose."

Isabelle starts again, "They have never hit anyone of us, you are perfectly safe here. I can promise you that. No one here is going to hurt you. I know you don't believe me, but it's true."

Jace walks a little closer, and I try to back up, but Isabelle stops me, "He isn't going to hurt you." I don't believe her. There is no way, he isn't going to hurt me, there is no way they all aren't going to hurt home. Safe places like that don't exist. I glance up again. Jace is three feet from me. That's too close, way too close, too close! I see flashes of Raphael, Jonathan, and Sebastian all flash before me. Wait he is different. He could be different, he said that he wouldn't hurt me. Wait, since when do I believe people? I don't, and I won't. I try to look up at Jace but I can't bring myself to meet his eyes.

Bitch don't even think about looking me in the eyes, unless you are trying to be disrespectful?

Raphael's voice echos in my head. I try to move move my eyes up. I'm looking at his nose, just a little bit higher, no. I can't do it. I go back to staring at my feet.

Jace

I feel a sigh escape my lips, she had almost looked me in the eyes, she was so close and then her eyes snapped right back to the ground. I had thought finally that maybe, just maybe she was improving. If it is going to take this long just to get her to attempt at making eye contact, immagine how long it will take for her to openly voice any of her thoughts. It's a wonder she even talks.

"You can trust me, and any of us. We are not going to hurt you," I watch her face, there is no way she believes anything, she thinks we are just spouting a bunch of B.S. Jenn walks in and calls us in for dinner. We all wait for Clary to move and it became awkward. I don't think any of us knew what to do. If we moved we risk bumping into her and freaking her out but if we don't move, no one will. I decide to head into the kitchen first and holy hell we don't even have that much food on Thanksgiving. Magnus looks at the food and frowns, what does he know?

**Thank you for reading! I had intended for this chapter to be longer and I had also planned to get to the dinner. But alas, the world had other plans. So please review! follow! favorite! reviewers get sneak peeks! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello to all my beauteous readers! How was your week. Its been really slow for me and it has been raining. Its what I think of as a funeral rain. Its the rain from the movies whenever there is a funeral. Not a full out storm but more than a drizzle. A funeral rain. Anyway thanks to all of my reviewers! **

**I do not own the mortal instruments. Enjoy!**

**Clary**

Holy. Shit. That is more food than I have ever eaten in my whole life. On the table food seemed to be spilling off. There is no way I will be able to eat any of it. I don't, can't eat in front of people. I haven't done that since I first lived with Valentine. Maybe, I might be able drink a little bit of water. Everyone sits down at table. Ohmygod. Where do I sit? Not Isabelle, (knives), Not Alec (Duh, murder) Not Magnus (Man) that leaves Jenn, and Jace. I look at the table. There is only a seat next to Magnus and then one on the other side of the table next to Jace. I bolt for the chair next to Jace. There are beautiful china plates set out and super fancy silverware. I don't even know what to do with all this silverware. Jenn is babbling about something and everyone takes food. I don't touch any of it. All of this finery obviously isn't for me. I sit very still and concentrate on becoming part of the chair.

I am a chair.

I am part of the chair.

No one is looking at me.

I am a chair.

I blend in.

I am hidden, within the chair.

I should run away and become a poet. Ha, yeah right. As if I would ever be able to run. I don't think I could ever manage that. But I suppose if I really needed too, I could. But chances are I would run into someone who knew who I was. A friend of Sebastian, a friend of Jonathan, a friend of Raphael and then I would be way worse off. Living with one abusive person is much easier than being involved with a whole gang of drug dealers and hit men. Trust me. I'm not lying about this one. I look around and realize Jace is looking at me. Crap!

I am one with the chair.

Damn it. It didn't work. And I'm surprised? I question myself. Of course I'm not but, I was hoping.

"Are you going to eat anything?" He asks me, looking suspicious. I shake my head.

"Why not?" luckily Magnus answers for me. Wait, how did he know?

" No, there is no way she will eat with us in the room, and the only reason she is even sitting here is the fact that she is afraid of what we would do if she didn't. The fact that she is still sitting here is quite amazing to me. You don't understand, this is a huge deal for her. I'm amazed she was able to drink in front of us earlier."

How the fuck did her know that. There was no way that, that was mentioned in the file. No one ever knew that. I peer through my hair to look at him, he notices me, and answers

"You can go to your room if you wish." Is this a trap? Is he testing me? Does he want to see if I will snub his wife's cooking? Maybe he wants to me leave his family alone for dinner? That must be it.

"Jace could you show her to her room?"

"Alright which one is hers?"

"The one Jenn and Isabelle were working in all last night, Get with it Jace."

"Jesus. I was just asking" Is he going to get in trouble for talking back? I guess not. Maybe they really don't get hit. Jace gets up and walks out, I guess I follow? I hurry to keep up but he was waiting right outside.

"Okay so I'm supposed to show you to your room. Do you have any stuff, or suitcases?" he looks at me questioningly. I shake my head to indicate that I don't. Pity flashes through his eyes but it's gone quickly. He starts walking down a hallway. Oh no. I'm going to be alone with him. He is taking me to a room. I start to breathe heavy without even realizing it. Calm down, he didn't do anything earlier. He went to get help when I was freaking out, okay if he wanted to do something he would have done it then. he stops outside a white door. I study the door. It locks from the inside, and the outside. Fuck, thats not good. It means I can be locked in. Well that's fantastic. Hopefully there will be windows that will provide emergency escapes. He opens the door and walks into the room. Hesitantly I step into the room.

**Jace**

Slowly she walks into the room. Her eyes widen in amazement.

"This can't be for me? Is my room like the closet to this room?" The way she says room makes it sound like she is expecting to be locked up.

"Nope, this is your room." I say. I study the room. Jenn and Isabelle have outdone themselves. The walls are painted a serene purple, its looks almost white. Black and white curtains spiral down from the windows. Pushed up against the far wall is a queen sized bed with a black and white comforter on top. Purple pillows sit on top of the bed and on the window sills. The furniture has been painted black and white with splats of purple. A mirror hangs on the wall opposite the bed. One door branches off to the bathroom and the other into a walk in closet.

Clary wanders over to the window and absentmindedly looks out, obviously lost in her thoughts. She opens the door and looks into bathroom,

"That's for you to use, you don't have to share that with anyone." She looks at me, and then answers," Ahahaha, could you take me to my real room now. I know you probably think it's funny to show me something and then take it away. But I would really like it if you didn't."

She really thinks I would trick her? If I ever find the bastards that made her like this. Lets just say Luke wouldn't even be able to use his legal influence to get me out of that one.

"No. This really is your room. Isabelle and Jenn have been working on this ever since Magnus told us about you. Of course if you don't like it I think everyone is going in shopping tomorrow so you could pick out new stuff. But this is your room. Isabelle put some of her stuff in the bathroom for you to use. Feel free to use whatever you need. Do you need anything?"

She shakes her head at me, "Okay, my room is right next door and Magnus and Jenn's room is across the hall so if you need anything come get us." She continues to look at the floor so I just leave and let her alone. I head back into the kitchen and Magnus looks angry. Woah, what's going on here?

"Really? That was a bad idea on your part. The food made her uncomfortable, we need to act as if she fits right in and is normal. Nothing odd. I know, you were trying to make her feel welcome but she doesn't like to eat in front of us and may never be completely comfortable with it. Food was something she obviously didn't have very much of and was probably taken away as punishment. So if we never see her eat it takes that power away from us. And in her eyes that's one less power we have. I know you want to take her shopping tomorrow, you have to be careful. You never know what could trigger a flashback and they can be quite dangerous for her. So get what she needs and bring her home."

Jenn and Isabelle look at each other and nod.

"We can be fast" Isabelle says.

"How long will it take for her to trust us Magnus?" I ask.

"Oh, boy. Jace thats like asking how long it will take for someone to wake up out of a comma. No one knows. She may never fully recover. She doesn't seem to trust anyone here yet. She seems to breathe with you. Which may not seem like much but I'm sure it took a lot of convincing to go with you willingly. Unfortunately she probably decided it was better to take a chance and hope you wouldn't pull anything instead of disobeying and risking punishment. I definitely want her to see a therapist once she feels comfortable enough here but that could take months."

"I know you said she was abused but now that you have seen her how far and to what extent do you think the abuse went to." Alec asks him looking worried.

"Well, do you my professional opinion or my human opinion?" Magnus asks.

"Both" I say before anyone else.

"Well, on a professional level this is an almost hopeless case. Anyone that has sustained such long term and abuse has an extremely small chance of ever leading something akin to a normal life. After seeing her today She was definitely abused physically, sexually and mentally. I believe the sexual abuse was extreme and she has endured things you couldn't begin to comprehend. Because of this it is also likely that she has other problems such as depression or suicidal thoughts. Victims such as Clary tend to self harm, or starve themselves."

"If she rarely gets food why would she starve herself?" I interrupt. That doesn't make sense.

"Well it's not so much that she thinks she is fat or wants to lose weight, it could be her way of keeping control of her life. People like to have control over something in their lives so when they have no control over some aspects of their life they turn to other things to control. That doesn't mean Clary will have all of or any of these problems but it is likely. Now on a human level and as a father I see a broken girl. She has never felt love or felt cared for. She doesn't know or understand that not all humans are despicable and that some of us want to help. She wouldn't know how to accept a compliment. She has probably never been shopping, or gone on a vacation. She doesn't know how to form her own opinions or how to figure out what she wants. She probably doesn't even have a favorite color. This is why taking her shopping could be stressful. If you hand her things and tell her that you are buying them it would be what she is used and she will feel like she doesn't have a choice. However if you let her pick out her own things she will become lost. She will want to please us to avoid punishment or violence. So she will either have no idea what to do or attempt to find things to please you."  
Wow, and I thought I hated shopping.

" I think we need to be careful around her. Alec, I'm sorry but you seem to really scare her," He starts to protest but Magnus continues, "I know, I know, you didn't do anything. But for one, you're a huge guy and she doesn't trust guys all anyway. And two, she just doesn't trust people to begin with. So if you could just keep your distance. Okay, don't approach her alone if at all possible. Try to giver her her own personal space. As a good rule try for three feet. I know Isabelle, that seems huge but any really if you are only three feet away she is probably already hyper aware of your every move. If she starts to panic come and get Jenn or I. If neither of us around count with her to calm her down, don't I repeat don't touch her. She will get over it faster by herself then she would if you try to help her and touch her."

"Okay, so basically a three foot personal space bubble, don't touch her, and Alec stay away." I ask jokingly.

"Yes, that sounds about right." Magnus says.

"Wait, are you going to have her go to school?" Isabelle speaks out for the first time in awhile.

"Well I will give her a few weeks to adjust to us and then she can decide if she wants to try and go to school or if she wants to be homeschooled. Unfortunately she will have to do some kind of school for at least year, legally she has to be in school until she is sixteen. So she has a year before she could drop out."

"Okay, it's probably a good idea to give her some time anyway." Isabelle agrees.

I glance at the clock, it's past midnight. Geez, we have been talking for a lot longer than I had thought. Magnus looks at the clock and announces that we should probably try to get some sleep. I head upstairs and change into a t-shirt and boxers and then crawl into my bed.

**Clary**

_I lay awake lying on the floor. Raphael had told me he would be back, I didn't dare go to sleep. If I was asleep when he came to find me, whatever he had planned would instantly become three times worse. My hair clung to the back of my neck. I tossed and turned trying to keep myself awake. I had to wait for him. I couldn't fail him this time. I'm always such a failure. I try to do better, it just seems I always mess it up again. Just then the door creaks open and someone slips in. A dark shadowy figure makes their way towards me._

_Sebastian. Damn it. Both of them in one night. Shit, I won't be able to do anything tomorrow. He slinks towards me silently he doesn't say anything. He knows I have no choice but to comply. No! Stop! I keep my cries for help to myself. It always gets worse when I speak out. In fact sometimes I think it would make more sense for me to never talk at all. After he leaves Raphael comes in._

_He likes to *play* at least Sebastian is quiet. Raphael, not so much._

_"Did you wait for me?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_"Did you do everything I asked of you today?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_"So you didn't screw anything up today?"_

_"Well, no, sir."_

_"Are you sure? You didn't do anything that you should be punished for?"_

_"No-o, sir"_

_"Oh, really? Well, I disagree." His draws out his speech and pauses, " Do you have anything to say for yourself?"_

_"No, sir."_

_"Well in that case. I will just have to punish you anyway." He pulls out his belt._

_"No! Please No!" I scream, my shriek piercing the air like a knife. "No! Please! No! Stop! I'll do whatever you want, Please, No!"_

_I hear footsteps coming quickly. Has someone answered my prayers? Has someone heard me? I look back at Raphael, he smirks and begins to hit me with the belt._

_"No! Stop! Ahh!" I cry out, trying to get him to stop._

"Clary!"

_I shouldn't have screamed. It will just get worse. I try to keep quiet but then ultimately end up failing and screaming at the top of my lungs._

"Clary!"

_What? Wait, why is someone calling my name? I open my eyes._

My eyes snap open to find at least four people gathered around me on the floor. I try to back up as fast as I can.

"Shh. we aren't going to touch you." Magnus whispers quietly. I look at the clock. 3:07. Shit. I must waken them all up. No. This is bad. Very bad. I have waken up everyone in the house by now. Not only will they be angry now, but cranky tomorrow as well. Nicely done Clary. Way to go.

"We aren't angry." Wait. What? They aren't angry? I just woke them up at 3 o' freaking clock in the morning? I would be angry.

"Do you get these night terrors often?" Magnus looks at me questioningly.

"I don't know, I mean I guess. I usually don't fall asleep or I am not allowed to sleep. Normally I would be up late working and then would fall into a coma like sleep."

I answer him. Is that what he wanted me to say? Did he really care? Did her really want an answer or was he just trying to be polite?

"Is there anything we can do for you? Do you want to sleep in a room with someone else? And is there any particular reason you were sleeping on the floor?"

"I, I well, I normally have to sleep on the floor and thought it would be the same here, I-" Magnus quickly cuts me off.

"Jace did tell you that this is your room correct?"

"Yes."

"He wasn't lying, this room is yours. The bed is yours to use, the bathroom is yours to use, and I suppose so is the floor. Okay?"

"I- uh, yes. Thank you."

"Now, is there anything you want? Jenn asks me.

"No."

"Would you like one us to stay in here until you fall asleep again?" Magnus asks.

"How about some hot tea? You barely ate anything at dinner. You know what, I will be right back." Jenn says and then walks out of the room. Am I dreaming? They said this room is for me? And offered to stay with me? Well, that is kind of freaky if you ask me. Isabelle had left with Jenn but Jace is there. He is watching me looking tired and nervous. Tired I get. I'm pretty sure everyone here is tired, now thanks to me. But why nervous?

I look at Magnus again, trying to make sure her really wasn't angry at me. I made a snap decision and decided to ask just to make sure, "You really aren't mad at me?" I spit out before my brain really has time to catch up with my mouth. His face softens and he answers,

"No, of course not. We are here to help. Okay? We are your new family. We are here to help you. Everyone here is willing to help." He finishes and Jenn walks back into the room with a cup of hot tea.

"Here you go, I didn't know what you wanted in your tea but I put honey and sugar is that okay?"

"It's fine. Thank you." She hand me the mug and I hesitantly take a sip. I manage to drink a little bit of the tea, even though there are people around.

"Do you think you will be able to sleep now?" Jace asks me.

"I think so."

"Do you want anything else?" What is there game here?

"No." Why are they being so nice?

"Alright, try to get back to sleep, okay? Magnus pleads with me.

"Of course."

They all leave and I look at the bed, they said I could sleep there but, I don't were they being serious? And what if they come in early tomorrow morning to get me to work and they find me sleeping the bed? Not to mention, I hate beds. Horrible things tend to happen to me in them. So I avoid them if at all possible. But they did say that there was a bathroom right? I open one door to find a closet. I shudder, as much as I hate beds, closets are almost ten times worse. At least there is no lock on a bed. I try the other door and find the bathroom. Shiny white tiles peer at me from every angle. A large white bathtub sits in the corner. I close and lock the door, and sigh. Now I can truly relax and sleep. I crawl into the tub and exhaustion takes over.

**Thank you for reading! Review! Favorite! Follow! Any thoughts are appreciated! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Ello! How are my lovely fans? Thank you so much for all the response this story has gotten! This is an interesting chapter, take that to mean what you will. This chapter was fun to write because it's happy! And then my brain went into evil mode, and thus the end of the chapter was born! *evil chuckle* **

**To: JOHNLOCK: Your review meant a lot to me. The fact that my writing moved someone so much that they cried is amazing and astounding! If you sign in next time you review I would love to PM you!**

**And to the rest of my amazing awesome epic readers! Thank you! Please keep reviewing!**

**Enjoy!**

**Clary**

"Clary? Hello? Clary? Are you in the bathroom? Could you come out?"

What? Where am I? I start to hyperventilate. Holy. Shit. I am in bathroom. How did I get here? Did someone drag and dump me in here?

"Clary? I need to know that you are okay." A voice calls out to me through a door. I begin to clear my head and rub the sleep out of my eyes, oh, I remember now. I try to listen, who is calling me. I scramble to get out of the bathtub and unlock the door. I burst out of the bathroom to find Jenn standing there.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"I, uh yes."

"Will you come down to breakfast with me? Everyone is waiting for you."

Not good. Not good. That means everyone will look at me, and expect me to eat, and, and, it's just not a good idea. I study Jenn, would she hit me, or drag me downstairs if I refuse to come? She looks calm, her face shows no hints of annoyance or anger. I decide not to risk it and follow her out of the room. We go down the stairs and I notice lots, and lots of pictures on the wall. Everyone looks so happy. Could this home really be a good home? Wait, Clary? Who are you kidding. The others would have been good to but then you had to screw them up. Well, I will just try not to screw this one up. Wait, I don't want to stay here. Do I? What changed? _The pictures _my brain whispers to me. _You want to be a part of those. You want to be happy. But really, if you were a decent person, the last two home would have been fine. But no, you couldn't listen. You would refuse to do things or would screw them up. Is that a good way to act? _But I didn't mean to screw everything up; I try to argue with myself. _Ha ha, you think they will want you? This is going to be like just end up just like your other homes. Hmm, lets see, how did they work for ya? You ended up in the hospital, got taken away by a social worker, and escorted away by the police. What is it going to be this time? Waking up in the emergency room? Getting kicked out on the street? You don't trust people remember? And people don't like you. You are going to keep it that way. _But, they seemed so nice? Nah, they must not be, I finally give into my inner voice. It's usually right.

I sit at the same spot at the table that I did last night. Everyone stares at me when I walk in. I silently slide into my chair. Hopefully no one will say anything about last night, none of them seem angry. Then again, looks can deceive. They all start to eat and Jenn hands me a plate. Which of course, I do nothing with. There is no way I will eat in front of all of them. Magnus notices,

"Here, why don't you fill up a plate and then you can take it upstairs to eat? Okay?" I peer at him from behind my hair, he has a small smile on his face, which seems to say, _come on, you can trust me. _I look over at Jenn and she is smiling too. Why are these people so damn happy? What is so amazing this morning that they need to be smiling? It's not like they got tons of sleep last night. A part of me hopes that maybe they are happy because I'm here, _Ahahahaha, That's comical dear. Why would they be happy that you are here? _

"Shut up!" I mumble to myself, but Jace must have heard me because he looks at me with a confused expression.

"Answering the voices in your head?" I feel my cheeks flush red and I grab my plate of food and rush upstairs. _See, he already thinks you are crazy. _I-uh, maybe he was just kidding. _Sure, okay. _Shut up! I close the door to my room quietly, trying not to anger them. They didn't look angry but you never know. Sebastian was never good at hiding his anger however; Raphael, he was a master. He could go from ocean breeze calm to rip the motherfucking roof off rage in zero point three seconds. It would be absolutely terrifying. One minute he would be watching T.V. drinking his beer, the next he would be throwing me into the wall in a hot headed fit. Wait, shit. They said we were going shopping today, for clothes. Hell to the no. I have so many scars. I refuse to change in public places, or wear anything besides long sleeves and long pants. It could be ninety degrees out and it wouldn't matter. I glance down at myself. I'm wearing a plain loose black long sleeve shirt and long loose jeans. I hate my body. I have so many scars, and I learned quickly the less skin showing the better. Any attention from men is bad, for any reason at all. I eat all of the food on plate and wish I had more. That is also something I don't do. Never, ever ask for more. That is a golden rule that is key to survival. I should probably do the dishes, without them asking. That would impress them.

I slip downstairs and head into the kitchen; it's empty. Phew. Okay, I start washing the pots and pans, then move onto the plates. I hear the door creak open and freeze up in fear.

"What are you doing?" Jace asks. I drop the plate. Oh, shit. No. No.

" I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, It's all my fault. Please don't hurt me. I will clean it up. It's my fault, I didn't mean too! I'm so sorry! Please." I feel myself start to tremble. "Please, I didn't mean to. Please don't kick me out. I can pay for the damage. I, I can, I don't have any money but, I can get some or something."

"Whoa, calm down it's just a plate." But I can't calm down, my breathing starts to get heavy and it becomes harder to do.

"Magnus!" Jace calls him in from the other room.  
"Shit. No! Please! Don't get Magnus! I can clean it up! No! Please!"

"Sh, calm down. It's okay." Jace tries to tell me. Magnus walks in the room looks around and starts counting.

"Count with me, okay?" I nod.

"One, two, three, four.." Jace counts with us and we all count to one hundred.

"Shh. One. You are in my house. Two. You are standing in the kitchen. Three. It's around eleven o'clock. Four. There is two people surrounding you. Five. You have met these people before. Six. these people are safe. Seven. You are starting to calm down. Eight. You are beginning to breathe normally. Nine. You are not trembling anymore. Ten. You are almost completely calmed down and ready to move."

When he finishes I am standing there completely calm. How does he do that? Why does he do that? I rush to start explaining.

"I didn't mean to. It was my fault though, but I"

Jace interrupts me, "She was washing the dishes when I came and I scared her, she dropped the plate and then started to freak out about getting in trouble. It's my fault, not hers."

I gape at him, why was he taking the blame? He will get beaten for that won't he? And he might have to pay for the plate, what if he doesn't have money? None of my previous foster sibling would have done that for me. Maybe Jace really is nice person. He has been the nicest so far. But I can't let him in trouble for something I did.

"No, really it was my fault. I didn't mean to drop the plate. I'm sorry. I can pay for it and clean it up." I crouch down and start to pick up the pieces.

"No, don't pick up the pieces, you could get some more pieces in your hand. I can already see some in there. It's okay. Dropping the plate was an accident and no one will get in trouble for it. Neither of you will have to pay for it okay?"

I look at him in amazement.

"But, I broke it. It was my fault and now you won't ever be able to use that plate."

"Clary, it's just a plate. You don't have to worry about it. If we need another one, we can buy it. It's perfectly okay, It was an accident."

"No it wasn't, It was my fault, I dropped it." I say, I don't understand. Magnus sighs, Oh, no. I made him annoyed. Shit. No.

"Did you mean to drop the plate?"

"No, of course not, I-"

"Did you break it on purpose?"

"No, I didn't, I would nev-"

"Did Jace knock the plate out of your hands?"

"No, he was on the other side of the room, and-"

"Did he use the lasers in his eyes and shoot it out of your hands?"

"No, wait he has lasers in his eyes?"

"So then obviously, if it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Jace's fault. Then it was the plate." Magnus smiles at me and gets out a broom to sweep up the shards.

I stare at him in amazement, in any of my other homes I would have been beaten and probably tied up. Magnus wasn't doing anything. Maybe he would do it later. And then I saw the broom. It had a long thick wooden handle.

_... Smack! Crack! The broom crashed behind me as I tried to duck out of the way..._

_... The broom smashed into the wall in front of me, No! No! Please!.._

"Clary! Clary!" Jace was closer to me and trying to get my attention. My head snaps up and I meet his eyes, crap. I look down as he starts to talk.

" Are you okay? Your eyes glazed over and you started to flinch. You know we are never going to hurt you right?"

" I'm fine." I answer quickly, only addressing none of his questions.

"We aren't going to hurt you. You can trust me, you can trust all of us."

Jenn walks in, "What's all the noise? You invite a herd of elephants to tea?"

"Not quite," Jace says and chuckles. Magnus throws out the pieces of the plate and drags Jenn out to explain. Jace looks at me,  
"I'm sorry about earlier. I know you were just mumbling to yourself. I do that all the time and I didn't mean to make you upset."

"It's okay. I'm used to it." I say.

Pity flashes in his eyes, then he gets a determined look.

"No. That's not okay. You shouldn't be used to that, no one should be used to that. I'm going to change that. I'm going to help you. You are going to be normal if I can help it. You are going to get used to being treated right and I will do anything to help you achieve that."

I stare at him in wonder. He's going to help me?

"Why? Why me? Why do you care?"

" I care because it isn't right, no one should be treated like that and I like you. Have you had any friends before?"

I blush with embarrassment. Of course I've never had any friends.

"No."

He smiles, "Then I will be the first." He looks at me reassuringly.

"Friends?"

"I don't know how to be friends, I don't even know how to talk to someone correctly. You probably don't want to be friends with me." I mumble back.

"That's okay. It's easy and as for talking to people, how about looking at my face instead of your feet. I'm not going to hurt you, and I really don't have lasers in my eyes."

I slowly raise my eyes until they reach his face. He towers over me and must be over six feet tall. I meet his eyes and they light up with a smile.

"That wasn't too hard, was it?"

"No."  
"You aren't a person of many words are you?"

Is that weird too? Does that make me different?

"It's perfectly fine. You don't have talk a lot, sometimes I wish the girls at school would shut up."

Okay, so I should talk as little as possible. I want to keep my only friend and he doesn't like talking.

"But you? You should definitely talk more. I could listen to you talk for hours."

How is he doing this? It's like he is reading my mind and then saying the opposite of whatever I decide to do. How the hell do you act around a friend? Is he going to expect me to hug him?

"I don't know if I will be able to be a normal friend." I say nervously.

"That's okay, normal friends can be boring."

"But, I've never had a friend before what if I screw up?"

"You had to know some people, didn't you?" In my head I go over list. My mom, who left because she had hated me. So that's one person that left. Then there was her boyfriend of the time Alex; he dumped me with the foster care system. That's two. Then I lived with Valentine. I don't even talk about that one. Three. Then I was placed with Raphael and Jonathan. Five. And last but not least, definitely not least Sebastian. That's six people that I actually got to know, and all of them hit me, raped me or just left me at some point. And it was all my damn fault. Jace is still looking at me waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, I knew some people." I say. Oh I definitely _knew_ them. My dark mind chuckles.

"Well just pretend you have known me as well as you knew them." He says. I start to freak out. Wait, calm down. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. He can't know what you mean by the word know. To him it means that you know things about the other person. He notices my pale face and amends himself.

"Or not, we can start fresh. This is a new life for you. Okay? You can do whatever you want. You could plant a garden, or learn karate. Seriously, it's up to you. Just know that you have a friend. I'm here for you anytime. If you can't sleep my room is the one across from you. You can come get me anytime; I usually stay up late anyway. I won't be angry." I study his face trying to decide if he is lying. He looks genuine. But maybe? Maybe he was being serious and I have a friend. Jace leaves but lets the door open. I dance around, I have a friend! I have friend. Me, Clary the girl whose own social worker doesn't like her has a friend. Of course I don't know what he really means by that. He said I could come get him if I had trouble sleeping. But I probably won't do that. What if he got angry? He is like three times my size and even then, I would never be brave enough to fight back if he did do anything. I just don't know. No. I tell myself. I'm going to trust him, or at least try to. If that fails I know that I seriously am just a fuck up and there is nothing that can be done. I sigh. I really am a positive person aren't I? I am still sitting on the floor when Jenn slowly opens the door so as to not frighten me. I stand and back up on impulse. Jenn smiles at me asks

"Do you want to go to the store with us? We can get you some clothes, stuff for your room, and anything else you need." I look at her blankly. Well I can't say no. But I don't care how scary it will be to refuse; I'm not changing or trying anything on. I nod at Jenn; I can't seem to find my words.

"It will only be you, Isabelle and I. No one else is coming. You don't have to worry about any of the boys." I'm already nervous enough without the boys, and if Jace came, he might see my scars. No. I won't let it happen. He isn't going to see any of them. I want to appear as normal as possible in front of my only friend. There it is again. Friend. I smile to myself. I have a friend! My brain then decides to point out how I have already had at least two panic attacks in front of him and probably won't ever appear normal to him at all. Damn it, way to go Clary. Think something positive and then go ruin it. I follow Jenn down stairs and we meet Isabelle at the car. In their garage they have at least five different cars. They all look super expensive, like something I could work for and save for my whole life and never be able to afford _one_ of them. _They have five._ And I don't even get to ride one.

We head outside and Jenn goes to hail a cab, but I have already started to panic. There are too many people outside already. A tall man in a dark gray business suit bumps into me and I lose it, my scream pierces the air and I run for the door. My red hair whips behind me as I rush for the door. My hands, slippery with sweat have trouble opening the door but after a few frantic tries, I manage. I run inside and upstairs to my bedroom. I throw myself inside and slam the door behind me. Sobs wracked my body, tears run lines down my face and drip onto my chest. I crawl into the bathroom and sit in the bathtub.

I feel safe there. In that bathtub with the bathroom door locked; no one can get to me. I can be completely alone, and feel safe. I can even hide from my memories here. I am rocking back and forth. I am such a fuck up. I can't do anything right. Jenn and Isabelle tried to take me to do something normal, and I barely made it out of the house. I will never be normal. I will never be able to live a normal life. I'm just too damn screwed up. And it's all my fault. I can't do anything without messing it up. I just can't. It's impossible. I am never going to be able to change. So bother trying? And then decide to turn on the water.

**Jace**

I hear a faint thump of feet running up the stairs. I head out of the family room where I was watching the T.V. to see what happened. Jenn and Isabelle rush in and almost crash into me.

"Jesus! What's wrong? I heard someone run up the stairs and then you rush in here like you're going to catch on fire what the heck is going on?"

Jenn starts first, "We went outside to get a cab and head out shopping and there were people outside,"

"People have existed for quite sometime Jenn," I point out. She glares at me and continues.

"We were waiting outside and I noticed Clary getting a little anxious but then a man bumped into to her and she lost it. She screamed and ran inside. We had to stay to apologize to man but then ran in here, you said she ran upstairs?"

"I think so I heard footsteps heading upstairs. Do you think she is okay?"  
"If I knew she was okay, would I have come running in here like that?" She points out.

"Do you want me to talk to her, I think she trusts me more than anyone else."

"Are you sure, you don't know what's up there."

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll go talk to her."

I head upstairs and knock on Clary's door. No answer. I knock again, louder this time. Still no answer. I try the door, it's unlocked. I step inside and glance around. There is no one there. And no evidence that anyone _has _been there. The bathroom door is closed and I can hear muffled sobs coming through. I knock on the door,

"Clary? Are you okay?" She doesn't answer. Then I realize that it's not sobs I hear, but water running.

Shit! Desperately I try to open the door. It's locked.

"Clary! Seriously! Answer me! Are you okay? Clary!" She still doesn't answer me and I begin to panic.

"Clary! Come on! Clary!"

What if she is really just trying to take a bath, and I am just blowing things out of proportion? Bull shit. People don't run upstairs and then lock themselves in bathroom to take bath.

"Jenn!" I scream. "Quick bring a key!" We have a universal key that can unlock any key in our house. She races upstairs and runs into the room.

"What's wrong?" She asks, panting.

"I don't know, the water is running and she won't answer the door. It's locked. I'm really worried." I say.

She jams the key into the lock and jiggles it around, trying to open the door. The door clicks open and we burst into the bathroom. Jenn gasps and then screams. Clary is in the tub, fully clothed with her red hair now darker floating out all around her head, her clothes soaked, completely underwater, not moving.

Clary!


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys! Thank you to all my readers! You guys are amazing! Now go read!**

**Magnus**

"Magnus! Magnus! Come quickly! Now!" Jenn yells from somewhere upstairs. I had been hanging out in the kitchen waiting for them to leave so that I wouldn't scare Clary. That girl, I don't know how she is adjusting. Once she is comfortable I really want to get her to therapy, but I also don't want to start too soon and overwhelm the poor girl. I run upstairs, what the heck is so urgent? I find them in Clary's bathroom. Jace is holding a soaking wet Clary with a look of desperation and extreme fear on his face. I almost immediately understand what happened. Clary tried to commit suicide. Oh, god.

"Does she have pulse? Is she breathing? Jenn go call for an ambulance. Explain that it's me and that I will be attending to her but need medical equipment now." I take Clary from Jace and lay her down.

"Jace, go get me some towels." I try to remain calm. I check for a pulse. It's faint, but it's still there but she is not breathing. I start to give her air and start CPR. I keep filling her lungs with air and try to start her breathing again. Finally, I hear a small gasp. She remains unconscious but has started breathing on her own. Thank god. I take the towel from an anxious looking Jace.

"Will she be okay?" He asks hesitantly probably fearing a negative answer.

"Well, she is breathing on her own. She might not wake for a while, simply because at the moment she can't handle the real world. Jenn called an ambulance and I still want to take her to the hospital. What happened?"

"Well, I'm not really sure you should ask Jenn, I wasn't outside when it happened. She tried to explain it to me but I'm not sure of the details." He says running his hands through his hair. Jace looks vulnerable, he puts up an aggressive front but now you can see the true Jace. The Jace that came to us when he was little because he lost his dad and had no other family, this Jace isn't cocky and loud. Jenn pushes the door out of her way like a piece of paper and storms in.

"Is she okay? Is she breathing?"

"She is breathing, but is still unconscious. I want to get her to the hospital and get her in a stable condition. What happened?"

"Okay so we went outside to head to the store,"

"Who is we?"

"Just Isabelle and I"

"Okay, then what?"

" So we went out through the garage and I went a head to hail cab. She looked a little nervous but held together. She started looking more nervous; there were a lot of people walking around outside, then a tall man walking past bumped into her. She lost it and screamed and then ran upstairs. I found Jace and then he went upstairs. Jace?"

Jace starts where Jenn left off, "I knocked her bedroom door a couple times and she never answered. I tried it and it was unlocked. There was no evidence that anyone had been in the room in the past three minutes let alone slept overnight in the room. I then realized the bathroom door was shut and I thought I heard crying. The door was locked so I had Jenn bring up the key. Then we realized it wasn't crying but running water we heard. When we finally got in the room Clary was underwater and not breathing. I pulled her out and then you came."

A siren wailed down the street.

"Okay, Jace, can you get the door? I will carry her downstairs. Lets go."

I pick up Clary and we head downstairs. The ambulance has stopped in front of the house. The EMTs recognize me and help me put her on stretcher and load her onto the ambulance.

"Who will be riding with her?" One of them asks.

"I will and," I glance at Jace; he nods. "And so will he." Normally they only let one person ride and it's usually the legal guardian, but they don't question me.

"What happened to her?" One of them asks me.

"Attempted suicide, she tried to drown herself.

"What is your relation to this girl?"

"I'm her current legal guardian, I'm her foster father."

"Is she a new edition to your family?"

"Yes, she came to us yesterday."

"Do you know of any previous medical records, injuries or allergies?"

"No known allergies, previously she has had some serious injuries but I believe she had been fully recovered and was in perfect physical health. She has been through extreme trauma though, and was abused sexually and physically in previous homes."

"Do you know the reason for this specific attempt? Was this the first one?"

"As fas as I know she has not attempted to take her own life before, but I do know someone has tried to kill her and was almost successful. She was in the ICU for at least two weeks after that particular incident." He nods and continues to check her vitals. I glance over at Jace. He looks pale and nervous. He must not have been aware of the fact that someone tried to kill Clary.

"Will she be alright?" Jace asks.

The EMT starts rattling off vitals and tries to explain to Jace that she will be, he just looks at him trying to decode the confusing language of doctors.

"Those are good signs, physically she will be fully healed in a few days."

"And, mentally?"

"Well, it depends on if she was just feeling horrible and depressed at the moment and felt she had nothing to live for, or if she has felt this great self hatred for long periods of time and has been planning this. Either way she will need to go into therapy sooner or later but one of them is much more serious."

"Okay."

**Jace**

I sat by her bedside, as she slept, just watching her sleep. Oh, for god's sake who am I? Edward Cullen? Really? I chuckled to myself. Those were really terrible movies, Alice had asked me and some of my friends to go see it with them when the last one came out. A horrible waste of three hours. I studied Clary, she looked so helpless and weak, I mean she usually looked that way anyway, but the hospital bed she dwarfed her slim figure. She is so tiny, even a wimpy nurse could snap her arm like a toothpick. Magnus and Jenn had gone down to the cafeteria with Isabelle and Alec to get some food for dinner. We have all been here for the afternoon. Clary's red hair splayed out against the bleached white of sheets and pillows. I bet if she would have grown up normally her personality would have matched her hair. She would have been a sassy, stubborn soul that didn't listen to anyone. If only it had been me instead. I would have done that for her. Taken the abuse instead of her, I would rather be lying there in that bed instead her. She has had a horrible life, but did she really want to die? Why not fight back? Live out of revenge if that's what it takes? She needs to find something to live for. Something that she can look forward to, something to wake up in the morning for and something to go to bed at night for. I'm going to help her find that. This frail girl is going to get better and be happy even if it kills me.

A low moan escapes the poor girl, "Clary? Are you all right? Do you feel any pain?"

"Not that you can fix." She mutters so quietly I almost miss it.

"Sh, don't say that. You are going to be fine." She chuckles at me her throat rasping, she definitely doesn't believe me.

"Do you want me to get you a nurse? Does your chest hurt? Can you breathe right?"

"I am fine." Ladies and gentlemen; the biggest lie of the year!

"Do you feel guilty?" She asks me.

"Is that why you said you would be my friend?" What? Where did that come from?

"No. I said I would be your friend because I like you."  
"Are you using me? I don't have any money if that's what you're after. I'm not like the orphans in the movies. And technically I'm not even an orphan."

"No, I'm using you to get money, Magnus and Jenn have plenty. You will never have to worry about that"

"Do you want to hurt me then?" She says shrinking away from me.

"No! I don't. I really truly just want to help you! I have no hidden agendas. None of us do. In fact we all dropped everything we were doing because you decided you wanted to kill yourself! Can't you tell that we all care about you?"

I storm out of the room angry. Damn girl. We are nice to her and she tries to kill herself, maybe if we act like abusive pieces of shit then she will stand up for herself and fight us back, or do something. I pass the nurses station on my way downstairs,

"She is awake." I tell them.

She looks at me, in horror. I realize what this looks like. I just stormed out of suicidal girl's room looking angry. What the hell have I done? I yelled at Clary. _I_ _yelled at Clary. _Genius idea Jace! Go yell at the girl who just tried to kill herself. I enter the cafeteria and go to find everyone else, I should at least tell them that she is awake. I study them before I bring them more bad news. They all look worried, nervous and apprehensive.

"She's awake." I say without any emotion. Magnus catches on right away.

"What's wrong? What happened? Why do you look so upset?"

"I may or may not have yelled at her and made her burst into tears." They all looked at me shocked.

"What did you do?" Magnus says, his tone deadly.

"I got angry and yelled at her." I say dejectedly.

"Well, come on, spit out!"

"I told her we all cared about her and that we dropped everything and came here because she committed suicide."  
"It's not as bad as I thought, but still not good, we should head upstairs to check on her." Everyone gets up and we make our way the stairs to her room. A nurse is in there sitting with her, Clary is lying down and mumbling quietly to herself. I am such an asshole.

"Clary," I say. She turns ever so slightly to look at me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry at you. But I did mean what I said. We all care about you okay? That's why we are all here." She just nods and then lies back down. Jenn rushes over to her side.

"Sweetheart, how are you feeling? Are you hungry? Can we get you anything?" Jenn was careful not to touch her or even invade her space slightly. Clary just shook her head and didn't say anything. Why? Why did she do it? Well, I mean I guess I know why, she was abused. But why that particular moment? Why not a year ago? Why not overnight when we wouldn't have found her? Or did she want to be found?

Isabelle walks over to the side of the bed, "Don't scare us like that ever again. If you ever feel like doing that again, come find one of us. In fact if you ever feel anything that makes you upset or nervous or scared come find one of us. Anybody here wants to help you, we want you to get better, we want you to succeed."

**Clary**

They want me to get better? Better? How can I fix myself? I'm not broken, you can't just take some duct tape and patch me up. I am honestly just a screw up. I don't even belong here, and yet they seem to want me. _It's a lie. They want the person they think they are. You aren't that girl. That girl can be fixed, and live a normal life. You can't. You can't. Remember that. If you were a normal person your mom wouldn't have left. Valentine would have loved you. You would never have met Raphael, Jonathan or Sebastian. And even if you had if they would have been nice to you. Because you wouldn't be such a messed up person. _But, some of the things that happened I could never control. _Oh, please. There you go making excuses for yourself. You couldn't control it? Really? You never did anything to protect yourself, you never listened to all the instructions. You never once tried to stop any of them. _But! I did! I did! _Well, was it enough? Did it work? Or did you end up worse off than before? Exactly. And then, what did you do? Jenn and Isabelle tried to do something nice for you and you thank them for __**trying**__ to take you out by attempting to kill yourself. Someone touched you? Big-freaking-whoop. They accidentally touched you and can't even control yourself enough not to scream. But wait, you are even weaker! You try to kill yourself. That just shows how messed up you are. You tried to kill yourself. Weak! Weak! What would Valentine say if he saw now. Looking all sickly and pale, weak, lying in a hospital bed. Hmm? What would he say? Or would he say anything at all? No, probably not. He would show you. _I burst into to tears,

"Make it stop! Please! Make it stop! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I wail. Jace looks at me nervously

"Are you, do you, What do you want me to do?" He asks me.

I study him, his blonde hair falling to the side of his face.

"I, well, co-could you stay over here? The nurse said earlier that someone else could stay overnight with me and I really don't think I could handle this alone, but if you don't want to stay that's fi-fine. I would be okay. I think." I ramble on.

He smiles at me. It travels all the way up to his eyes. I have never seen anyone ever look at me with such happiness. Sadness? Yes. Anger? Yes. Extremely dangerous run for your life anger? Yes. Frustration? Yes. But never, have I ever seen anyone look at me with such pure happiness.

"Sure, I will stay. But do you want Jenn or Magnus to stay as well?" I shake my head yes. I don't want him to get tired of me talking and then decide to leave. A nurse comes in and takes my vitals and looks at me warily,  
"How are you holding up darling?" I wince at the pet name but feed her some bullshit about feeling fine. I think she knows that I am lying but she doesn't say anything. She looks at Jace, "Are you going to stay overnight?" She looks at him almost accusingly.

"Yes, I will be staying over." He says calmly and firmly, he makes it clear that there is no room for any discussion at all. She just nods and brings in a cot for him to sleep on. After she leaves he starts talking gently again,

"I hate hospitals." He points out.

" I don't." He looks at me strangely. "I always feel safe here, with nurses and doctors constantly checking on you there is almost no danger of being hurt. Bruises would be noticed and any extra damaged would be noted. So whenever I was in a hospital I always felt safe. I know it probably doesn't make much sense to you but, I actually love hospitals."

The look of pity and despair seeps back into his eyes. Damn it! I didn't want to do that! I want to be looked at normally, not like a suicidal delinquent. But then again, he already knows how weak I am, but he doesn't know how horrible I am, or the things that have been done to me. If that was the case there is no way he would even want to talk to me. Who wants to talk to someone that is dirty and used. No one. I hear Jace lie down and listen to him slip into sleep. His breathing is regular, not heavy or labored. It's peaceful. I feel myself drift off as I listen to him.

_I'm lying on the cold hard concrete floor of the basement. My cheek pressed into the rugged surface. I can feel blood escaping from my cuts. I had to pick myself up before he came back. Come on! I try to force myself up with no avail. I can't do it. Yet again I am weak and lie helpless and scared. How can I do this to myself? I have to be strong. Come on! _

_I hear the door to the basement creek open, the hinges rusty and squeaky. No! His heavy footfalls clomp down the stairs. I cringe with each step knowing he is coming closer with each noise. No! _

"_Well, you look well. I assume you were busy today?" He asks me, knowing full well that I haven't been able to move since he beat me this morning. He knows I haven't been able to move. _

"_You obviously didn't get everything that I asked you done? Why not? Are you so helpless that you can't even cook dinner for dear old dad? Come on. Are you that weak? Never be weak. Weakness is bad. Weakness will lead to failure. I will have to teach that to you."_

_He walks over to his table where knives, swords, sharp things and all sorts of torture devices lay. No! No! My brain surges and suddenly I find within myself energy to move. I have to get out of here. I have to! I make a bolt for the stairs, but he grabs me. _

"_See, you couldn't even escape me, you are too weak." He drags me over to the chains attached to the wall and clips my wrists. However this time he does it backwards. Normally he has me facing him so that I can see him pick out his weapon, but this time I face the wall? What is he going to do? I hate this. Normally, at least I know what to expect, and can somewhat prepare myself. _

_I hear him picking up and putting down tools. He does this to create suspense. He likes to keep me guessing as to what he will actually use to hurt me. Usually he shows me bunches of weapons before he picks one to actually use. He keeps a journal and records my responses and often adds pictures that he has taken. _

_I hear him begin to walk towards me. I stiffen even more than I thought was possible. What has he picked out? And what is he going to do to me? I feel the tip of a knife at the top of my neck. He brings it down in one sweeping motion and cuts away my grungy old t-shirt. Ow, then he begins to talk. _

"_I am going to carve a message into your back, so that whenever you think about weakness, you will remember this and be strong." My scream pierces the air as he starts to cut into my skin. He starts talking and telling me what he is cutting into back. _

" _I am not weak._

_I do not love._

_To love is to destroy._

_I will be strong._

_I am not weak."_

_It sounds like a sick, twisted, morbid poem. I scream and scream. Hoping someone will hear me. No one ever hears me. No one ever comes to my rescue. No one ever. Why? Why does no one hear me? I scream louder. But deep inside I know my efforts will be in vain. Valentine has even had people in the house when he beat me and I screamed. I screamed so loudly you would have thought the people in Russia could have heard me. But, no. Not even his guests heard me. Maybe my voice doesn't work on the rest of the world? Maybe my screams are silent? Why does no one hear me? I scream louder, trying, trying. Why can't I be heard? Why? There must not be a god. I remember from church once, that god hears all prayers. So what is he doing now, that he can't hear me? Someone hear me! I scream and scream; he continues to cut into my back._

"_Stop screaming. Screaming shows weakness! Do not be weak!" _

_My back feels like it's on fire, every single particle aches. Suddenly my back really is on fire. My screams reach a pitch I didn't even know I could hit. Valentine is taking a lighter and going over what he has already cut. The pain. It burns It burns with a fire raging stronger than the strongest fire from the deepest pit of hell. My throat is raw. I cannot even scream to release some of the pain. I am hopeless. I am so helpless and weak. _

"Clary! Clary! Wake up!" I shoot up and find myself sitting in a bed. Where did the basement go? What? Oh, that's right. The hospital. Two nurses, a doctor, Jace and Magnus are all gathered around my bed.

"Was I screaming out loud?" They nod. "Did I wake anyone?"

"Well, any of the nurses that were sleeping on the job are now wide awake." Magnus chuckles. Oh no! I didn't mean to wake anyone up.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to. It's my entire fault. I'm sorry! I really am sorry!"

Jace sighs and looks at me, "You don't have to apologize. You can't control your night terrors."  
"Night terrors?"

Magnus answers me first, "Well, you do you recurring extreme nightmares don't you?" I nod. "Well, the official name for that is night terror."

The doctor standing there offers to prescribe me a prescription for sleeping pills. I look at Magnus, "I can take those?" I ask in amazement. He nods and looks at me strangely. I blush and look down at my hands. Valentine and Sebastian both never let me take them because then I wouldn't be able to get up to do work or wake up when they would creep into my room at night. I want to ask for some; I wouldn't wake anybody up then! But if I ask and it turns out that Magnus just didn't say anything because there were other people in the room then I would regret ever saying anything. Jace seems to sense my uncertainty and whispers something to Magnus.

"Clary, if you want the pills, then I think you should take them. I will control them so that I know you aren't going to take to many but I think it would be a very good idea for you to be able to get some sleep without having to worry about night terrors."

Jace cuts in, "Clary. Just take them, you know you want to be able to sleep and wouldn't it be nice to wake up from sleeping without someone shaking you because you were screaming? I really think it's a good idea. Magnus is telling you that it's okay. You are not going to be punished or hurt because of this. Okay, you can do this."

Well if everyone is so damn determined. "Fine, could I have one now?"

The nurse scurries out to get some. Jace and Magnus attempt to question me about my nightmare. I say nothing. I'm not going to talk about what happened. I feel dirty and used enough without telling someone else. I'm not telling anyone anything.

**Love it? Hate it? Was it neutral? Drop me a review and let me know! Thank you for reading! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry it took a little longer to update. I had trouble with this chapter but then I finally got some ideas and I like this chapter. Thanks to all of my amazing,, amazing reviewers! Something to Live for hit 100 reviews! Holy shit! That is epic and really inspiring. I would like to also apologize in advance. I sent sneak peaks to people and then completely scraped that had to change things! But trust me this version is better! **

***I do not own The Mortal Instruments* Sadly just the plot.**

**Enjoy!**

**Clary**

I got home from the hospital a few hours ago, and I almost want to go back. They refuse to leave me alone, I can't even think for two minutes without someone interrupting. Why? My god. They took away all possible weapons. Trust me, I'm not skilled enough to kill myself with a table. I'm sure there is way to do it but I one; couldn't manage it, and two; I'm not going to! Seriously. I am not allowed to be in the bathroom for more than three minutes without someone else in there. Needless to say taking a shower is going to be traumatic for me. I currently am attempting, attempting was the key word there, to lie down. But even that is not safe for me, because you know blankets strangle people quite easily. Not. It's really strange to have people constantly checking on me and caring for me, I'm not even sure how to react. It's getting harder and harder to convince myself that they don't care. But I don't want to fall into that trap. I don't want to trust them and then be taken away or have them turn on me. I would not be able to handle that. I would really have nothing to live for. Now I can convince myself to keep going out of revenge or in spite of Valentine, Raphael, Jonathan, and Sebastian. At some point I'm just not going to be able to do this. No, Clary for once in your damned life be positive. You can and will live. I continue to talk myself into this theory of optimism while I slip into a state of unconsciousness.

"_Clary, Clary." A soft whisper caresses my ear. No. My jumbled brain can't handle this at this damned hour of the morning._

"_Clary, Darling come I have a few tests to run. I need to see how strong you are, and if you have learned since you have come here." _

_What? A test? Fuck. I cannot think of a single outcome where this works out in my favor. This is really bad, in fact; downright horrendous. _

"_Alright, first I'm going to test your pain tolerance. Since you have come here I have tried to build your tolerance and help you stand large amounts, and many different types of pain. Hopefully you have learned and are well prepared for this test?" _

_He has gone insane. I knew he had problems, I mean he has done all kinds of sick things but a test? And he thinks he has been helping me? Oh dear lord, please save me._

"_Come here." he says and then drags me over to the cuffs on the wall. He twists my arms over my head and then clamps them with cold hard metal cuffs. He then stretched my legs sideways so that they are on either side of my body in a straddle. They are clamped as well. I can't move an inch without intense pain shooting up any given muscle. He checks each of the clamps and then decides they are to his standards. He proceeds to leave me, and stomp upstairs. _

_A burning sensation has set into each and every one of my limbs. I can't focus on anything at all for longer than a few seconds. Sweat drips down my neck as the bumpy concrete wall scratches my back. I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold this position and remain conscious. I will pass out he doesn't come back soon. I try to stay awake. My muscles are shaking from sheer exhaustion, but if I pass out I will fail this "test" for sure, and be punished. I cannot tell how much time has passed or if it is passing at all. Finally I hear footsteps on the stairs. _

"_Marvelous. You passed part one of the physical pain portion of this test. Damn, part one? I'm going to fail this test. He releases me from the clamps and stands me up. I collapse immediately; I can't even hold myself up. _

"_Tsk, tsk, tsk. That will not do." He forces me to walk over to a table. Attached to the table is rope; usually used to restrain me while he does something with a knife or lighter. No! _

"_Get on the table." I comply and force myself to lift my body up onto the table. He pushes me down so that I am on my back with all of my limbs restrained. he takes out both a lighter and a knife. Maybe he will only use one? He take the lighter and puts it almost on top of my skin and flicks it on. He does this on many different spots so that soon I am almost completely covered in tiny painful burns. He puts the lighter down and mentally I let out a sigh of relief. That is until he picks up the knife. He then goes back and tears a little piece of each and every single burn. The only part of my body he didn't do this too is my face; I still need to be able to answer him._

"_Alright darling, so far you are doing wonderfully. You have passed the first two parts of my test!" Crazy, sick bastard. _

"_This next part of the test will not be physical but rather emotional. I know you don't like talking about your mother or what she did to you so I am going to tell you all about her and why she hated you. And you say but, how do you know? I have the file darling. It has all of your darkest secrets. So now you will sit in this chair and listen to me. I am I clear?"_

"_Yes sir."_

"_Jocelyn Fray. She was married to her high school sweetheart at eighteen after getting pregnant with you. So this marriage never would have happened if it weren't for you. You were causing trouble before you were even born. Your __**mother**__," He pauses for emphasis and I flinch involuntarily at the word mother. Damn it. Keep it together Clary. I'm fighting to pay attention so that I don't pass out from the pain, but still trying not to listen so I don't hear all about how I messed up people's lives and my mother. _

"_She was magnificent woman and she had many talents. She was an amazing artist. She could make anything come to life with a brush. Beauteous scenes seemed to pour onto her canvases with a graceful ease. Emotions were almost tangent after looking at one of her pieces she had a gift. She was also a very good cook. She loved to make spaghetti and meatballs. She loved her husband very much and was excited to be a mother. But then you were born. You pretty much ruined everything. Your parents started to fight. The fighting just kept getting worse and worse. And curiously enough all the fights were about you! How funny!"_

_I stare at him in horror. I had never heard any of this before. I didn't know my mother was an artist, or that she had married my dad right out of high school because of me. All the times he had said that I had brought this upon myself seemed to ring true now. It really was my fault. _

"_And then, she left. You know why? You. That's why. She left because of you. She couldn't even stand to look at you after you were born. You had messed up her whole life. She left your dad because of you. He resented you for that too. Neither of your parents wanted you. No one wanted you. That's why you are here, because no one wanted you. Your mom left you all alone, you screwed up her marriage, her career, and her whole life. Your dad got rid of you. You made his wife leave, and he turned to drinking and then finally turned you over to social services. No one has ever loved you. No one ever will. It's not possible for you to be loved. You have screwed up way too much to ever even deserve to be cared about. Why would anybody ever care about you? That's right! They won't. So don't ever get your hopes up. No one will ever truly care about you or love you. Don't let anybody trick you or lie to you. They won't care, remember that."_

_Tears streamed down my face, I couldn't contain them even though I tried. No one would ever love me. I have been fucking things up since before I was born, how I can I expect to change? I can't I will always be stuck like this. A horrible waste of space that has a knack for breaking people apart and destroying things. _

_Slap! A hand crashes against my face and snaps me out of my pity. _

"_You failed this part of the test! You were doing so well until you screwed this up too! You always manage to screw things up don't you? Can't leave anything untouched can you? Do you know what happens to failures and to screwups? Do you know what I do to them?" He looks at me with questioning gaze._

"_They get punished." I answer feebly. _

"_Yes, exactly. Do you know why they are punished?" _

"_So that they listen next time and do what they are told?" I ask even though I know I was supposed to say it as a statement not a question. There I go. Messing something else up. _

"_What have I told you about answering questions with questions?" He asks in a dangerous and deadly tone._

"_Not to do it." I say quietly._

"_And what I have I told you about answering me quietly?" _

"_Not to do it." I say a little bit louder. _

"_Well that's three punishments already and we haven't finished the test yet, would you like to make any more mistakes before we continue?" I shake my head and he starts to explain the next section of the test. _

'_This part of the test will be verbal. I will be asking you questions about things I have taught you. You are to answer me quickly, loudly, and you are not to answer in the form a question. _

"_Are you weak?" He starts questioning me_

"_No."_

"_Do you love anyone?"_

"_No."_

_Does anyone love you?"_

_I stutter before finally answering, "No."_

"_That will be another punishment for having to think about it before answering and for stuttering. Why is love bad?_

"_To love is to destroy, Love is a weakness and I do not deserve love."_

"_Are you weak?"_

"_No." I answer and fall silent. He stopped questioning me and is now just staring at me. _

"_For the final part of the test you will be completing household tasks and I will evaluate your skills. I want you to go upstairs and make the best dinner, vacuum the whole house and dust as well. I am going out when I come back this had better be all completed and done with amazing precision."_

"_Yes sir." I answer him. He gets up and walks upstairs._

_I am so screwed. I have make dinner, and clean the whole house in less than two hours with aching muscles, burns and cuts all over my body. I hobble upstairs as quickly as I can, which isn't very fast at all. I decide to make pasta with a red sauce and meatballs. Valentine always enjoys when I make that. I start immediately and work as fast as possible. As soon as the pasta is boiling and the meatballs are cooking I start to vacuum. I plug in the vacuum and vigorously work to get each and every room done. Each time I extend my arm to push the vacuum it feels like millions of needles are being jammed into every single cell of my arms. Walking feels like I lit my legs on fire and haven't put them out yet. With my legs still feeling like I was sitting in the deepest pits of hell I try to rush back to the kitchen to check on the food. The pasta finished and the meatballs were close. I put both of them back on the stove on low heat to keep them warm till Valentine was back. I got out a plate and silverware so that I would be able to give him the food as quickly as possible. I made sure the kitchen was practically sparkling before leaving to clean the rest of the house. _

_I cried out as I tried to make my way up the stairs. This was the tenth circle of hell. My arms ached as I tried to life the vacuum up the stairs, and my legs? Lifting them up each and every step felt like I was lifting over two thousand pounds of burning coal. Eventually I got up the stairs and dried my tears. I vacuumed and dusted and re-vacuumed and re-dusted so many times there was no way he could a find a mistake in my work. I was so sure that I would pass this part of the test. I was so wrong. _

_When Valentine came home I gave him the food on the best china he had. I made sure it was sparkling before he used it, but he still found the plate dirty and threw the plate on the floor and it smashed. Then he yelled at me because the kitchen wasn't clean anymore. When he inspected the rest of the house he was so displeased he didn't even want to look at me. He picked me up and threw me down the basement stairs. I smashed into the concrete wall and was knocked out. _

"No! No! I am sorry! I tried! I'm not weak! I'm not! And I know that no one loves me! I swear! I heard you!"

"Clary! Wake up! Wake up! It's a dream! It's not real. It's not real." Jace tires to snap me out of my panic. Slowly I open my eyes and realize that I was a dream and that I am not lying against a cold concrete wall but rather against warm, fuzzy blankets.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Is there something I could do?" He asks. I think for a minute. What I would really love is for him to hold me. Then I could pretend that he cares about me and loves me even if it's just for a little while. But, do I trust him? He is a guy, and all guys are hormonal. I feel myself shaking from the aftermath of the nightmare. Screw this. I'm going to do it, I have already messed so much up, this can't hurt.

"Jace?"

"Yes?"

"Could you hold me?" I ask as hesitantly and timidly. He looks at me shocked at first and then he nods and opens his arms. I crawl into his arms and he wraps me in a loose embrace. I lean in and rest my head on his chest. It feels nice. Is this what it feels like to be loved? Is this what feels like to cared for and accepted? Suddenly I wanted that. I didn't want to be me, I didn't want to be broken Clary Fray. I wanted to someone who is loved, and who is cared for. I burst into tears and just started sobbing. I couldn't hold it in. Like in my memory I let loose. I couldn't contain my sadness. I knew that I would never really get to experience this feeling for myself. At least not truly. I could never be loved or love anybody. But at that moment I wanted it so badly.

"Sh, it's okay, let it out. Do you want to tell me about what you are crying over or what your dream was about?" Jace asked me in whisper so as not to frighten me.

I started crying even more, he wanted to help me! I wanted to care. He didn't love me but maybe someday, someone could? No. Stop. To love is to destroy and no one could ever love me. I need to squash this hope before it manifests.

"I just wanted to know what it felt like to be cared about and loved." I say. Wait! Why did I say that! I don't want him to know that. I bury my face into his chest so he can't see my face.

"Clary," He says softly. "All of us here care about you and love you. You could come to every single one of us and ask to be held and we would drop anything that we were doing and hold you."

I stare at him in amazement.

"But none of you guys know what I have done, or what I have messed up. I have never been able to do anything right in my entire life. In fact I was messing things up before I was even born."

"First off you could do anything you want. You can succeed. And second, it doesn't matter. All of us would hold you if you asked. I'm doing it now. See? We do care about you. We would do anything to help you."

He starts to rub my back softly, his hands moving up and down. It feels... good. For the first time someone is touching me and I don't mind, in fact it feels good. It's comforting. It's warm. We are facing each other and his arms are wrapped around me.

"You can tell me anything. It won't change how I treat you or how anyone else will treat you." He says reassurance seeping from his golden eyes.

No. They will hate me. They would think I was slut and a whore. They would want me in jail, or kick me out of the house or, or, something else horrible. No, I couldn't tell them.

"What was your dream about?" He prompts me, trying to get me to talk.

Well, I could tell him a part of it, and leave out some of the worse details, he looks like he really cares and I don't want him to leave. I guess, I could say something.

"One of my previous foster homes."

"What happened in this foster home?"

"Lots of horrible things, but I deserved them."

"That's a lie." He says with a harsher tone. "You didn't deserve anything that happened to you."

I stare at him gaping. How could he know whether or not I deserved what I got?

"You are afraid of people. You can't handle being touched; even talking can be difficult for you. Experiences that had to happen to make this way have to be horrific and no human being deserves that. Especially you. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you."

"But,"

"No, buts. I'm serious here. You could have murdered three different presidents and killed ten innocent little babies and not have deserved what happened to you. But what else happened in your dream?"

"It was one of the tests I took."

"Like a test you would take in school?"

"Well, I have never taken a test in school but I don't think so."

"Are you going to tell me what this test was about?"  
I try to, but the words die in my throat and catch on my tongue. I can't get them out. I start to cry again. Damn it. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"Sh, It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He is apologizing to me. Another strange, strange thing. He holds me while I continue to cry. Then the door opens. I cower into his chest. Hiding from whoever is at the door. Jenn peers in and gasps but then controls her facial expressions.

"I just wanted to check on you before I went to bed. You slept through dinner so if you want there are leftovers downstairs in the fridge, or you could call and order pizza but I don't know how many places will be open. It's a little past eleven at night. Clary? Are you okay? Do you need anything specific?"

I shake my head in response.

"Okay then. Magnus and I are going to sleep but if you need anything, please, come get us okay?"

I nod and Jace says, "Sure Jenn." She shuts the door quietly behind her. Jace turns to look at me.

"Do you want to go downstairs to get something to eat? We can see what leftovers are there or order pizza."

"Okay." I have never had pizza and I am curious to know what it is. But I don't say this because I am almost sure this will make me look weak.

We untangle ourselves and surprisingly I find that I miss the contact. We quietly make our way downstairs even though everyone is probably still up, but I don't want to risk it. When we get to the kitchen Jace starts to look through the fridge and then just looks at me.

"Do you just want to order pizza?"

Against my better judgment the words slip out, "I have never actually had pizza before."

"You have never, ever had pizza?" I shake my head. "Pizza it is then." He calls a around until he finds one that will still deliver this late. When he hangs up I gather the courage to ask what pizza actually is.

"Jace, what is pizza?" I ask softly.

"Pizza is this amazing cheesy goodness. It's got bread crust on the bottom with tomato sauce and then melted cheese on top. People put lots of things on top, meats, fruits, and vegetables. Since this is your first pizza I got a regular. I hid when the pizza was delivered but just hearing someone else's voice was scary enough. It turns out that pizza is amazing and I have been missing out. I had three huge pieces and was almost completely stuffed full by the time we were done eating. We were sitting in silence and I was dreading going back to bed alone. I would have more nightmares for sure and I didn't even want to go in my room alone. I turned to watch Jace as he put the rest of the pizza away. Maybe he would stay with me? He said he would hold me anytime I wanted. He said anyone here would. But I couldn't ask him to stay with me could I? What if he rejected me and told me no? Or what if he goes all psycho in the middle of the night and hurts me. Stop. Jace wouldn't hurt me. Maybe I could ask him.

"Jace?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that I could stay with you tonight?" I say super fast.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand you, what did you say?"

I take a deep breath and try to slow down. "Do you think that I could stay with you tonight? I don't want to be by myself and I know I will have a nightmare again and,"

"Woah, woah. Calm down. Of course you can stay with me. Do you want to sleep in my room or your room?"

I relax a little bit. He said yes. I can stay with him.

" Your room." He smiles at me and we upstairs. I fall asleep with Jace's arms wrapped around me and for the first time in years, I feel safe.

**I know it was kind of a dark chapter, but there was Clace! And Pizza! Pizza is amazing and Clary had her first slice! Whooo! Go Clary! Anyway thanks for reading and reviewers get sneak peaks! I try to get as many of you as possible.**

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	10. Chapter 10

**Hello My awesome readers! It took awhile for me to finally write this chapter. ****And I apologize for not sending sneak peeks. I literally did not have this written until like five minutes before I updated it. **I had some writers block. So then I just opened up a blank document and started typing and thus My burns, My memory, My soldier was born. Please go check it out! The story starts after a major tragedy has just occurred. Clary has lost her memory. Jace is on tour with the marines and his son max has cancer and his wife just died. How will it all fit together? Please go look at it! Thanks! Enjoy this chapter!

**I don't own the mortal instruments.**

**Clary**

I slowly become aware of my surroundings; blinking the nightmares out of my eyes. I freeze; arms are wrapped around me. Shit. I don't want to look. Who has trapped me? Keeping my eyes closed I try to wriggle out of the grasp. I fail; even my super skinny frame can't slip out. What do I do? If I scream I would get in trouble for waking whoever is holding me. Wait, Where am I? I crack my eyes open apprehensively and peer around. Jace is holding. I try to calm down and tell myself that it's just Jace, He won't hurt me. Come on Clary, You can do this. But I can't. My breathing starts to quicken and I know I am going to pass out if I don't do something.

"Jace." I say softly, trying to wake him up without startling him.

"Jace. Wake up." He continues to lie there.

"Jace!"

"What? Geez, what's going on?" He mumbles.

"Please, you have to let go." He glances down, gasps and starts to apologize.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I was asleep and so were you." He starts to ramble but I have to focus on calming down. Okay Clary. I get up, try to walk away and fall, so I end up just sitting on the floor. Breathe in. Breathe out. One. Breathe in. Breathe out. Two. Breathe in. Breathe out. Three. I continue to count until I know I can walk at least a few feet. Breathe in. Breathe out. Out of the corner of eye I can see Jace just staring at me. No! He thinks I'm weak! He thinks I'm messed up. No, Clary. Focus. I'm weak. I'm helpless. He could completely destroy me right now and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I start gasping for air. Clary! Come on! Don't do this! He isn't going to hurt you! But, I don't know that. He could snap my neck right now. He isn't going to. You spent the night in his bed. He held you. He could have hurt you then but he didn't. He stayed and just held you. I'm so weak. Feeling helpless; I desperately try to crawl away from Jace. He seems to understand and slowly backs away and out the door. On the other side of the room I stop and try to calm myself down. I am okay. I am safe. But I can't seem to convince myself that I am okay and safe. My breathing continues to quicken and I can feel sweat dripping down my back. I start to shake and feel the burning of tears behind my eyes. I curl myself tightly up into a ball and rock back and forth.

_... _ _Darling come on, I have a few tests to run..._

_... You had messed up her whole life..._

_...Well in that case. I will just have to punish you anyway..._

_...No one will ever truly care about you or love you..._

_... You are such a fuck up... _

_Has anyone ever liked you?_

_...Your own mother hated you... _

_...You always manage to screw things up..._

_Are you weak?_

_Do you love? __**No.**_

_Does anyone love you?_

_**No one loves me.**_

"Clary! Come on! You're safe. You're okay. No one here is dangerous. We aren't going to touch you." Jace's voice breaks down my mental barrier. I am okay. I am safe.

"It's okay Clary. I am here to help you and so is Magnus. It is safe." I stop rocking back and forth but can't bring myself to uncurl out of my ball.

"You can do it. Clary you are safe. You are not going to be hurt. We will protect you._**I**__ will protect you." _Slowly, I let myself uncurl. I keep my eyes shut tight. Fearing that if I open them that Jace will be gone and that I have imagined him. No. He is real. My eyes flutter open and land one Jace. Concern is etched in his features.

"Clary?" Jace asks.

I sigh "Yeah?"

"Are you back now?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to talk about why you panicked this time? Are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt?" Magnus questions me with rapid fire, not seeming to be able to ask everything all at once.

"I'm fine." I say plainly. I have retreated back into myself any thoughts of opening up and telling anyone anything have vanished. What was I thinking? Was I really going to tell them anything? It could be used against me. They could have gone to the police with anything I said to them. How could I be so stupid? And asking Jace to hold me? Have I gone completely stark raving mad? What the bloody hell was I thinking? He saw me cry too. Damn why not just tell him everything. He knows more about me and has touched me (well, willingly) more than anyone else. I can't even process that. What the fuck have I done? I cautiously lift myself up off the floor and make my way out of the room.

I don't know what to do with myself but doing nothing is not an option. Doing nothing at any of my other foster homes is just asking for a one-way ticket to hell. A dark and burning hell. So I decide to start cleaning. I go downstairs into the kitchen and glance around. Empty. Perfect, I can start in here. I clean off, dry and put away all the dishes. I wipe down the countertops, and clean off the floors. When I finish it's close to lunchtime and without thinking I start to make lunch. As I finished making sandwiches for everyone I begin to think again. Shit. Didn't Jenn say something about not cooking? And I took food from the fridge without asking or buying it myself. To my credit, I didn't eat any so if they are angry, I could try to mention that? I take out a plate and begin to arrange the sandwiches when a loud voice calls into the kitchen.

"What's for lunch?" Alec asks not realizing it's me.

Calm down Clary. He isn't going to hurt you. I try to convince myself but it just doesn't seem to work. On instinct I back up and answer him meekly.

"I-I made sandwiches, I hope that's okay. I haven't eaten anything; I just made them for you guys. I know, I didn't ask, I'm sorry. Does Jenn normally cook all the meals here? I'm sorry. I just kind of did it without thinking normally I would have been in charge of making all the meals. I swear I didn't steal any food. I really didn't eat any." My back pressed against a sharp edge and I realize cannot back up any further. I have literally backed myself up into a corner.

_"Never back up. It conveys weakness to any opponent. You also will eventually find yourself against a wall and then you not only look weak but also have almost completely submitted and given yourself to the other person." _

Valentines voice echoes around the chambers of my mind. I feel myself start to shake for the second time within the space of a few hours.

"Sh, please calm down. Sandwiches sound great and you are allowed to use anything in the kitchen and if there is anything you want that isn't here all of us would be willing to get it for you. Or take you to get it. And you really don't have to worry about me hurting you. I know I look intimidating, but I really don't like to fight,"  
I stare at him unbelievingly. All that muscle and he "doesn't like to fight"? No way. That's a straight up lie. Why work out so much if you're not going to fight or at least use the muscle?

"I know it seems kind of crazy, but honestly I really hate violence. It was one of the reasons I wanted you to come here. Magnus didn't tell us any details but it was clear that you went through physical and sexual abuse. I really am not going to hurt you."  
My blank stare stays focused on my feet not daring to glance up at him.

"And if you are worried about sexual abuse from me, stop. I'm gay. I haven't worked up the courage to tell anyone yet but I think that information helps you more than it helps anyone else. So you really don't have to worry about me because you just aren't my type." One side of his mouth quirks up into a smirk.

I gape at him. He trusted me with the fact that he was gay to help me and he hasn't told anyone else yet. He trusts me to keep his secret. And yet, even with this newfound knowledge; I can't bring myself to move any closer to him but I find enough strength to answer him.

"I won't tell anyone." I whisper as softly as possible; not wanting anyone to overhear.

"Thanks," He says smiling at me. "Do you want any help finishing lunch or taking it out to the dining room?"

As much as I wouldn't mind a little bit of help I still can't trust him that much, in fact I still haven't managed to move.

"No, it's okay, I got it." I say and he nods at me and then leaves. I collapse and end up on the floor yet again. But I am okay. He didn't hurt me and probably never will. He doesn't even find my gender attractive. As much as that comforts me, I know I can't completely trust him he could still crush me just by sitting on me. But with him out of the room I finally start to breath again and gain the strength to keep making lunch. I arrange the sandwiches on a plate and carry them out to the table. I set the table with plates, napkins, silverware, cups and a pitcher of water. I run everything over in my head. I don't think I forgot anything. I slink upstairs now that everything is set.

"Clary?" I hear a voice yell upstairs to me. Shit. what did I do? I glance at the clock it has only been ten minutes, what happened? Nervously I make my way downstairs and into the dining room.

"Yes?" I ask meekly.

"Did you make these?"

"Yeah. I know, I didn't ask permission but the food was in the fridge and I didn't eat any myself. It's just for you guys."

"These are delicious, thank you for making them. You did not have to do that."

" I always had to do that in previous, I mean I always enjoyed cooking before I came here." A fake smile flits across my face hoping to make up for that slip. " I wanted to do something for you. And I was in the kitchen washing the dishes and without thinking I made lunch. I didn't realize until after that I wasn't supposed to make lunch. I'm sorry if I intruded."

"Oh no, honey it's fine." Jenn tries to be reassuring but I blanch at "honey". "If you want to cook and it's something you enjoy feel free to do that. But if you are just doing it because you had to make meals in previous homes, don't. You don't have to do that here. I don't mind cooking at all, I cook professionally and arrange food for photos and parties."

"I-I, thank you. I don't really know if I like cooking, I don't really know if I like anything at all."

"Then you do whatever makes you feel comfortable, but you don't have to do anything that you don't want to, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you feel up to some Internet shopping" Isabelle asked.

"I-I um, don't know how to do that." I answered anxiously.

"It's easy, I promise. Jenn and I can help you. Do you want to try? That way we can order you some clothes that will fit and some new more personal stuff for your bedroom."

"Okay" I glance at Jace nervously, not wanting to be left alone with just Jenn and Isabelle. The only person I can be alone with for sustained periods of time is Jace. He catches my look and gets up to join us as we all leave to go upstairs with a laptop.

We all make our way upstairs and Isabelle is practically jumping with excitement.

"Is there any particular you like? Or anything specific you want in your room? We tried to finish it and accessorize it before you got here but we weren't sure what you liked so," She pauses and stops to look at me. Jenn starts to set up the laptop in my room. She plugs it into the wall and then starts it up.

"Is there any particular style or color clothes you wanted?" Jenn asks already browsing different clothing sites.

"Not, really. But there was this one thing I saw that liked." I say apprehensively.

"Lovely dear! What was it?" Jenn asks me excitedly.

"Well it was this black zip up jacket that Alec was wearing, do you think we could find it in a smaller size."

"Sure, Jace go get Alec please, I need to figure out where his jacket came from."

"Oh no, it's okay he doesn't need to do that. I'm not worth all that trouble."

Everyone stops and turns to look at me. Jace is the first one to speak, "Yes, Clary. You are worth it, and it's no trouble at all. No trouble at all. Okay? We want to help you and care for you. That is our goal. I'm just going to get Alec; I'm not running a marathon. It's not a lot of work and is quite easy. But if you wanted us all to run a marathon; all of us would. We are here to help you okay?"

"Okay." I say quietly. I still don't understand why they are working so hard it's just me! No one has cared before. It's a new warm feeling, but it's nice.

Alec and Jace enter the room and Alec hands we the jacket immediately.

"I can't take this," I say flustered. "This is yours!"

"I don't wear it that often and you can have it until you get one in your size."

"But, I can't" He cuts me off,  
"Yes. You can. I am not taking no as answer. So you can take it or I will just leave it with you and no one will use it. Come on, just wear it!"

I accept the jacket and shrug it on. It was warm and fuzzy like wearing a huge blanket. I love it.

"Thanks." I say to Alec and smile at him. He smiles back and sits down.

"So what have we bought so far on this extremely extravagant shopping trip?

"Well, so far; a second black jacket in smaller size." Isabelle turns to look at me.

"Come on, there has to be something you have always wanted to buy. Something you dreamed of us a little girl."

I snort to myself. Yes there was. For my mother to come back, for someone to love me. Never to be hit or touched. But you can't buy those things.

"I well, some loose jeans." I say unsure of myself. I already asked for the jacket. I don't want to ask for too much. I find myself looking at Jace again. He smiles at me and walks over.

"You can have more than two things you know." He whispers to me.

"I don't want to ask for too much." I say quietly.

"Come here. Let me show you Isabelle's room." He almost grabs my hand but then stops and just motions for me to follow him.

"Without asking Isabelle first?" I say uneasily.

"Isabelle, I'm going to show Clary all of your clothes."

"Kay, we will stay here and continue to find things." She says.

We walk into a room with clothes strewn all over the floor. I have never seen such a cluttered room. He walks towards a door and then flings it open. Inside is pretty much a whole other room just filled with clothes? Dresses, shoes, tops, shirts, pants, jeans, belts and scarves anything you could think of related to clothing was in this room. My mouth hangs open.

"These are Isabelle's clothes from the last six months. Every six months she donates the older clothes to a charity and goes out and buys more."

"These are just from the last few months?" I ask puzzled.

"Yep, just from the past few months."  
"But this more clothes than I have probably ever owned even if I counted my whole life."

"That's just how she works. She loves clothes. So please don't feel guilty asking for anything. It's not a big deal and can pick out as many things as you want."

Together we head back to my room and Jenn, Alec, and Isabelle are all gathered around the computer.

"Well, we could put that over there," Jenn points to the corner.

"And then that could go over to the side." Isabelle says gesturing to the other side.

"I, um. If it's not too much to ask. Could I have some sweatpants?"

They all turn to look at me and Jace nods encouragingly.

"Of course dear! What color?" Jenn says, still not noticing my flinch at dear.

"Well, do they make blue ones?"  
"Of course! What shade of blue? Dark? Light? Navy? What were you thinking?

"Light blue, if that's okay?"

"Sure, any other colors?"

"Umm, green?"

"Okay, good, good. How about pink?" I don't really like pink, but if I say no, then they would think that I was ungrateful so I better say yes, just in case.

"She doesn't like pink. I can tell. She just doesn't want to upset us."

I look nervously between him and Jenn. Is she angry with me for not liking pink? I am grateful for everything they have done. I don't want them to think that I am not.

"That's fine. Clary, look at me." I glance up at her fearful. "It is okay to not like something. You can tell us, don't be nervous it's okay to not like something. It's normal to not like things. We are just asking because we don't know what you like."

I nod at her to show that I understand. But I am done asking for things. I asked for two things and I would be extremely happy and pretty surprised if I got them. They continue to ask me about colors and brands and what kind of t-shirts I want. I just nod my head or answer yes or no. Alec and Jace pretty much take turns sharing nervous glances with each other and then glancing back at me. I slump down and sit down on the floor waiting for them to be done so that I could be alone.

**Thanks for reading! I know it was shorter, but Alec! Ahh! Alec is a sweetheart! Review! Follow! Favorite!**

**PS~ Go check out My burns, My memory, My soldier. Do it. :)**

**Thanks**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi guys! I am a horrible person. And I have been telling you guys that I will send sneak peeks and then not. So this is me apologizing and I am going to stop the false advertising. Eeekkkkkk! So sorry. ANd this chapter is short, but it needed to end where it did so, enjoy!**

**I do not the mortal instruments**

**Clary**

"Jenn, she needs serious help. She has honestly only really ever talked to Jace, but one he wouldn't be able to handle everything she tells him, hell he might end up needing therapy. She has been through so much more than the files ever hinted at. It's a miracle that she talks or even that she hasn't killed herself. She, I, most people in with her experiences would have killed themselves years ago."

"I get that, but do you really think that she could handle talking to a therapist? Really? Because if so, you don't deserve that doctors degree. Magnus. She couldn't handle leaving the house. She didn't even make to the cab. And you think she could handle going to the hospital or office and talking to one of your highly recommended psychologists? She won't even talk to us. And she has been here for around three weeks."

"I know but she really does need,"

"Magnus, she couldn't handle the internet shopping. And that doesn't require leaving the house."

"That's an entirely different issue, yet another reason she needs to go, she can't handle that because she wanted to please us, but also didn't know what to do. At least consider it for Jace."  
"Jace isn't the one who needs the therapy Magnus."  
"No, but, if she started talking to him instead of a trained professional, then he wouldn't know how to handle it, or how to help. I just don't think it's a good idea for either of them."

"What. The. Hell. Did you just say? If you just said what I think you said you can sleep on the damn couch. If that poor girl opened up to Jace and was willing to talk, it would be a miracle and a blessing. Do you know how hard it is for Clary? I overheard her talking to Jace one night, I didn't want to eavesdrop and only heard a little but they were talking about being friends. She was scared to be friends because she has never had any friends didn't want to mess up her only friendship. Do you know how heartbreaking that is? Clary has never felt wanted, never felt loved, never had anyone stick around, she didn't want him to find out anything because she was positive that as soon as he knew anything that he was going to leave her and not want her around."

"That's what therapy could help her with! Opening up, trusting, working on friendships. I know she has had a tragic life, but she is here now and we need to do something."

"I know, something does need to be done but not right now. I'm not saying ever, just give it a little more time. We could work with her by ourselves. Getting her to go the garage, then walk outside a little. Next time she could go a little further, maybe taking a cab somewhere with us or driving around in one of our cars. Baby steps, Magnus, baby steps."

"And what if she opens up to Jace?"

"Why is this a problem of yours? If she opens up to Jace that would be absolutely freaking fantastic! I don't know if you noticed but Jace is a big boy. He wears big boy underwear now." Jenn bit back sarcastically.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. If she opens up, Jace might not be able to handle what she tells him. He might not be able to cope with all of those stories. And if he doesn't react the way she thought it, could end badly for both of them."  
"Jace is fifteen, as hard as it is to admit, he is aware of the fact that the world isn't a fucking ray of sunshine and that it's not all rainbows and fluffy clouds. He can handle it, and if he can't he knows that he can come to us. Clary doesn't have us. She has Jace. So if she is going to open up to Jace then we are going to do nothing to stop it. If I find out that you said something, Magnus, I swear."

"What ya doing?" Jace asked popping up behind me. Shit. I wasn't just listening to an argument that was all my fault. Nope.

"I, um, was just deciding if if was okay to interrupt them, I was going to go to the kitchen to get a drink of water, if that's okay?" I say trailing off at the end.

"It's fine, It's just water" he says. "Come on lets go."

"It's okay, I can get it myself." I say quietly. Hoping that he would take the subtle hint and leave me. I had a lot to think about.

"Really it's no trouble." He tried to insist.

"I wanted to be alone, if you don't mind. It's hard for me to drink and eat in front of other people." I said softly feeling horrible for pushing him away.

"Sure." He said and slipped away just as quietly as he had popped up. I pushed my way through the room quickly heading straight for the kitchen, not stopping to look or talk to Magnus or Jenn."

I let out a sigh of relief as soon as I entered the kitchen. I was alone. It was going to have to stay that way. They didn't want me to be friends with Jace. I was going to have to push away the only person who was ever even remotely interested in even talking to me. I felt tears start to slip down my cheeks. But I couldn't keep talking to him. Magnus didn't want me to open up to Jace. Magnus doesn't think he would be able to handle it. It's not like I was planning on it, but if he feels that way, I can't be friends with him. This is the only home I ever felt kind of safe in. I can't lose that. But Jace, he cared, he was my friend. Can I give that up? I have to. I can't anger them. Not to mention, that I have been her for close to three weeks and already managed to cause a huge argument. _You are fucking worthless. Why are you even alive?_ I don't know. I can't do anything for anyone. I only cause problems, arguments, and issues. I have never helped anyone. I can't do anything. I can't even fucking read well. In fact I can barely read at all.

I was sobbing now. Choking and sniffling. It was horrendous. I couldn't even cry without making a mess. I curled up on the kitchen floor. Damn it. Why was I even born? The world would have been a better place without me, My mom would have never left my dad, Valentine would have never had to teach me discipline, Rafael would have never done the drugs and Sebastian would never have been arrested. _See, the world would have been way better off without you! _Tears continued to stream down my face. I couldn't keep this up, this okay facade; it's killing me from the inside out to pretend that I am okay.

Then my already miserable day got worse. Jace walked in to see me lying on the floor, curled up in ball, sobbing.

"Clary? Oh my god! Clary! Sh, it's fine. I'm here. What's wrong?"  
Sniffling I managed to choke out "I can't talk to you."

A hurt look flitted across his face. "What do you mean you can't talk to me?" He said suspiciously and confused.

"Well, I overheard Magnus and Jenn talking and Magnus doesn't want me to talk to you. He thinks you can't handle my unstable condition, and that I need professional help."

"Fuck him then." He said and then picked me up and crushed me to his chest. I flinched away the initial contact but leaned into him.

"Why were you crying?"

"I-I don't know."

He looked at me unbelieving, "You don't know?"

"A lot of reasons, I guess."  
"You want to tell me some of them?" He said looking at me expectantly.

I just shook my head. I couldn't. Not with what Magnus said.

"Are you not telling me anything because of what Magnus said?" He asked me slightly accusingly.

"No." I said, trying to keep a straight face.

"That's it." He began to carry me into the living room where Magnus and Jenn were still sitting. Fuck.

"What the hell did you say?" He asked angrily.

They both look up startled.

"What the hell were you arguing about before she came in?" He said, with a sharp undertone.

"What do you mean?" Magnus asked him curiously.

"Well, whatever you guys were arguing about before made Clary curl into ball and start sobbing in the kitchen. And then she said something about not being able to talk to me because you don't want her too. So I repeat. What the hell did you say?"

Jenn looks over at Magnus and then explodes; I cower behind Jace trying to make myself smaller.

"What. Did. I. Tell. You. I knew this would end badly! I knew it! Magnus!" She took a deep breath before she started talking in a much calmer voice.

"I am so sorry that you overheard that Clary. It was not meant to leave this room and we want you to be friends with Jace, no, wait. We want whatever makes you happy. If being friends with, and talking to Jace makes you happy then that's what we want. Magnus did bring up the point of taking you to see a therapist. But we came to the conclusion that we would wait until you were ready and comfortable with the idea." She apologized to me, and I don't have to go therapy?  
"So I don't have to stop talking to Jace and I don't have to go to therapy?" I asked quietly still hiding in the comfort of Jace's back.

"Yes, exactly. You are doing fine dear. If you need anything at all please come talk to us. Or if you don't feel comfortable talking to us alone, bring Jace. Okay? We want to help you and make this your safe haven. You are perfectly safe here and nothing is going to happen to you here. This is a place where you can be yourself. You don't have to be afraid of anything here."

"Thank you." I say and then quietly slip out of the room, I can hear Jace's soft footfalls echo behind me. I push through the door to my room and he still silent follows in behind me.

"Are you okay now?"

I start to chuckle to myself, I have never or ever will be okay. Ever. But I do feel little bit better now, I really didn't want to have stop talking to my literally only friend. I sigh, releasing the tension, trying to calm myself down again.

"Yeah, I am okay." He looks at me unbelieving.

"Are you sure?"

I sigh, "I have never been okay, in fact I have never even been remotely fine. I don't know how to be happy, or angry, or anything. I don't know what to do. I have nothing to do. My whole life consisted of trying to be perfect and avoid beatings. I always tried to be whatever they wanted me to be, even though it was almost always impossible. Now, I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to be a person. What do people do? I can't even read well. I had to learn so that I could understand cooking and baking instructions. I hated that, cooking and baking. I was never allowed to taste anything I made, I am a waste of space and don't deserve food. But the problem was I never knew if what I made was good, or if it turned out right until they were eating it. That went just about as well as you would expect it." I shake my head and chuckle sadistically.

"I don't think I came out of the basement for a week after I tried cooking dinner the first time."

"You were locked in a basement?" He says looking at me with wide eyes.

"No, I was locked in freezer in the basement." I state truthfully, shuddering at the memory.

"I can't go in small closed off spaces without having a complete mental breakdown." I don't let myself look up. I already know what he is thinking. I just can't bear to think about what will happen when he realizes that I am too fucked up for him to fix.

"What did you try to make, that first time?" He asks timidly.

"Cookies, chocolate chip cookies."

"That's your memory of chocolate chip cookies? Being locked in a freezer for making terrible ones?" He asks with a horrified tone.

"Yes."

"Then, we will have to fix that! It just won't do,"

"I've never gotten any better at making cookies. My cookies are terrible."

"Excuse me, have you have tried the one and only Jace Bane's chocolate chip cookies?"

"No."

"With my help our cookies will be fabtabulous!"

I wipe the few tears that escaped my eye and look at him, "Did you just say fabtabulous?"

"Yes, Yes I did. I am secure enough in my identity as man to say fabtabulous. Come on lets go!"

Making cookies was interesting to say the least. Jace didn't bring up what I told him about the freezer, and I think I might have actually had fun. At least I think that's what fun is. Jace can make the best cookies ever. It was the best thing I have ever tasted in my life. And he kept smiling. That was the secret ingredient. He smiled while he made them, and smiled when he gave them to me, and again while he ate them. I have never had anyone other than him smile at me like that. It felt nice, and warm. It almost gave me hope that things could really be changing and getting better. That was until dinner. He wanted me to try eating at the table with them. I didn't want to do it, and I knew I wouldn't be eating anything, but I agreed. Jace had been so nice, and he listened to me, so I figured I could survive one dinner with everyone, even if it meant I wouldn't eat. I should have said no. I should have refused. Definitely should have refused.

**Ahhhhhhh! Cliffhanger! Whoa. Okay. Teen wolf anybody? If you caught the teen wolf reference, if you watch you will know what I am talking about, drop me a review! And would any of you guys read a teen wolf story? It would probably be and Issac story. Let me know what you think. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Hi guys! Sorry it took me so long to update. But a lost has happened. I went to the mortal instruments mall tour and got my book sign by Cassandra Clare and Jamie Campell Bower and Lily Collins and it was freaking amazing. I also have been informed that someone on devian art has been copying my story. So if you could please take that down. I 'm going to have to take down the story if the plagiarism doesn't stop, so please take it down? **

**Shout out to CityofClaceAndFourtris and horse-crazy girl13 for being beautiful and amazing people go check out there stories! **

**Thanks for the reviews, follows and favorites. I continue to be astounded for the amount of response for this story. **

**I do not own any the mortal instruments. I do however own the plot and any other characters.**

**Enjoy!**

**Clary**

We sat down at the table and as usual there was delicious looking food set and waiting for us. I glanced around, everyone else was eating; except for Jace and I. Jace was peering at me through his hair; as if trying to decide if I was okay or not. I blushed; he seems to care about me.

"Are you okay, Clary?" He asked me, trying to decipher whether or not I was going to have a break down and completely panic.

_In through the nose, out through the mouth._

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Are you going to eat anything?" Jenn asked me. I shake my head at her.

"Unless, you wanted me to, I mean, I can if you want me too. I didn't mean to ruin your dinner." I said my finger twitching nervously. "I'm sorry, but Jace asked if I would eat dinner with you. I didn't mean to upset you guys."

Jace looked at me confused, "What made you think we were upset?"  
"I-I, nothing, well, it's just that everyone was silent and I felt like you were are all looking at me and it felt like I was back in-in, I-I'm sorry." I looked down at my hands, which were still shaking. I could feel my whole body quivering from the inside out, the memories threatened to surface and take control of my entire being. I gripped onto the table trying to ground myself. I'm not there. It's not real! It's not real! It can't be real! I am here. I thought I felt myself coming back, then I lost it. I slipped away.

_I was being dragged down the stairs again. My legs bouncing against each and every step. The splintered wood and nails digging into my skin as I passed them. I was powerless, weak and I could do nothing. Isn't this exactly what he didn't want? Isn't this what I wasn't supposed to be? I was weak. I was powerless. I could do nothing. And it was pretty much all my fault. I forget to get his damn beer. How could I be so fucking stupid? I always get him a beer. Every day; I have to get him a beer. And I remember it every day, because I do it every damn day. SO why couldn't I have remembered it now? Why? Oh wait? That's right; I always have end up screwing everything up? Always. I can't remember a day when I have not screwed anything up. There's always something. The beer, dinner, leaving the dishes, the sheets, and of course dusting. Have I ever done anything right? Have I? Hmm, no! _

_My face connects with the hard cold cement of the basement floor. I hate this basement. Almost as much as I hate myself. _

_"And you were doing so well, you went almost a few hours without breaking or ruining something. That must be a new personal best!" He laughed cynically, pulling me over to the chains. _

_I look at him, wishing I were dead. I fucking hate chains. _

_"Come here. This might hurt. But don't worry you will still be responsible for all of your duties. And if after this you can't do, them? Well then I will just have to bring you down here again tomorrow. Wouldn't that be tragic?"_

_"Stop! Stop! Please! I won't screw it up! I'm sorry! I forgot! It's won't happen again! It won't!"  
__"Darling, darling, what have I told you about begging. It is simply not acceptable. You just earned a few more hours down here, and guess what? That was your fault too!"_

_"No!" I tried fighting back. I kicked and screamed, punched and yelled. It did nothing. Valentine was five times my size and I was no match for him. _

_"Ah,ah,ah. What do think you are doing?" He swung me by my wrist and threw me into the wall. I felt blood start to drip down my face in at least two different spots. He took the chains that were attached to gray cement wall and wrapped me up in them. I couldn't move. I was immobilized. He pulled out a cigarette lighter.  
__Damn I was hoping for the knife, not the lighter. Wait, did I really just think that? Oh god. _

_I felt the fire touch my skin. The flames seemed to dance across my skin the leaving sparks and pain everywhere it touched. Sobs broke free and I started shaking. My tears mixed with the bleed, leaving red tinted rivers streaming down my face. _

_"Quit shaking! Be strong! You are not a child anymore! Stop crying! You are weak. And that's all you are ever going to be if I don't do something about it. I am helping you." _

_I slump against the wall. Why? Why is he helping me? I debate asking and then finally, when he pauses with the lighter, I ask. "Why?" _

_"Did I tell you that you could speak? No. I do not believe that I did. So the question is why are you?" _

_'I-I" _

_"And there you go again. With this whole speaking thing. Maybe if you kept quiet and focused on what you were supposed to be doing then maybe you wouldn't fuck so many things up."_

_I didn't open my mouth after that. I couldn't make myself. I have hated talking ever since then. Talking lets people see the real you. Talking also generally gets me in trouble. Particularly whenever Sebastian was involved. I hated when I talked._

_I was lying my bed staring at the ceiling. I was desperately hoping that it would be only one of them. I don't think I would be able to handle it if it was both Raphael and Sebastian again. I wouldn't be able to walk. However, of course both of them came. There really is never anyone looking out for me. _

_I whimpered as he started taking off my clothes. _

_"Shut up bitch. This is the only thing you will ever be good for. So try not mess it up. I know that will be tricky for you. You can always fuck something up, you don't even have to try. He continued taking off my clothes and then he used me._

_"You like this, you little bitch. Don't you? You long for this don't you?" He whispered._

_I shook my head, whimpering, trying to move away from him. _

"_Don't you dare move away from me. Don't even try."_

_When he was finished with me Raphael came in. I hated this. I wanted to die. I don't believe in hell. Hell is already here on earth. I was living it. And it didn't seem to be getting any better. When they were finished with me they threw me into the dam yellow closet. I hated it. I hated. I couldn't get out. Couldn't even really move. There were no windows. Nothing but walls and floor. I didn't even warrant a blanket. Raphael had said,_

"_Blankets are for people. Real people, not helpless, weak fuck ups like you."  
I hated this. I was never getting out. I was never going to escape. This would be my life forever, I screamed, and screamed and screamed. _

"Clary! Snap out of it! Clary!"

"It's okay, give her some space, she will come out of it soon, she is starting to come back to us."

"But, she,"  
"Calm down. Freaking out is not going to help."

Slowly and cautiously I open my eyes. I was laying on the floor and everyone was gathered around me. I scrambled back and bumped into Alec.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to." I say and try to back up the other direction. Magnus looked at me and ordered the others to give me some space. I collapsed back down onto the floor and tried to control my breathing. I wasn't in the basement. I wasn't in the yellow closet. I was safe. Well, as safe as I ever was. They haven't hurt me yet, and I just ruined their dinner.

"Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to ruin your dinner, I will just go upstairs and you can finish your dinner. I'm really sorry. I can do the dishes if you want? I should never have agreed. I'm so sorry." I tried to stand up and then fell back down. Damn clumsiness. I decided to crawl out. I was going to move when everyone spoke all at once.

"No, please don't go."  
"You didn't ruin anything,"  
"You don't have to do that."

"It's not your fault."

Magnus stopped them and then looked at me, " You did nothing wrong. I'm glad you decided to come to dinner. You tried and that's all that mattered. It wasn't your fault that you panicked, I'm sorry that we made you nervous. You don't have to be nervous around any of us. We are not going to hurt you. If you want to you can stay down here and finish eating with us, or you can retreat upstairs to your room with a plate and eat there. Whatever would make you the most comfortable."

I glanced around, everyone was watching me intently, beckoning me stay downstairs. But I can't do that. I just can't. So I silently grabbed my plate of now cold food and headed upstairs for the safety of my room. But then; I heard something strange, I paused listening.

"You know what? I think I'm going to eat upstairs as well." Jace said.  
"You know what? Me too." Alec said.

"What the heck. Me as well." Isabelle agreed.

I raced upstairs to my room, were they coming to eat with me? No. Don't be silly. Jace is the only one here who even sort of likes you. But maybe? A knock sounded on the door and I hesitantly went over to open it.

"Do you mind if we eat with you?" Jace said with a smirk on his face.

"I hope we aren't bothering you but, you looked you could use some company." Alec explained.

"I-uh no, you're not bothering me. I opened the door all the way and the all followed in.

"You guys can sit on the bed, I will sit here." I said inviting them in and plopping down on the floor. It was going to be tricky for me to try and eat with all of them here, but I have eaten in front of Jace before, so maybe, I could try.

I sat down and folded my legs attempting to poke at some of the food, while they started talking.

"We should do something fun. Like play Mario Kart!" Isabelle exclaimed.

"What are you, five?" Alec asked her.

"No hate, I like that game! What about you Clary? Do you want to play?

"What is it?" I asked her.

"It's a videogame about little Italian drivers. Have you ever played?"

"No. I have never played any video games before." I whispered.

"She has never played Mario Kart? That's it. It's decided. That's what we are doing." Isabelle said.

"Could I possibly, join you later, if you don't mind, I would like to eat this, but only if that's okay, I mean if it's not, then, It's fine, but if you really don't mind. It's really okay if you want me to come now, but I," Jace cut me off.

"Clary, it's fine you can come find us when you're done eating. The game isn't going anywhere. We will be in my room. I will set up the game while you finish. It's perfectly okay. Thank you for asking and expressing an opinion."

He gets up and leaves smiling at me before he walks out the door. Did he really just smile at me and thank me for giving an opinion? Whoa. What is this witchcraft?

I stretched my arms out and crawled out of bed. Everyone else was at school and Jenn was at work. I was home alone with Magnus. This made me a little nervous, deep down I think I knew that nothing would go wrong, but I was still really nervous. Extremely nervous. In fact I hadn't been planning on coming out of my room until the others came home, but of course my plans never seem to work out.

"Clary? Are you awake?"

"Yes," I answered feebly.

"Could you come out? I would like to talk to you. However if you aren't comfortable with that, it's fine."  
I scrambled out of bed and came out. Whenever I refused to do things in previous homes it never went well. Ever.

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yes, I was wondering how you have been holding up? I this has been a huge change for you, and I'm very sorry for snapping at you the other day. I don't mind you talking to Jace at all. I just want you to know that you can always talk to Jenn and I, or Jace, well any of us. We will all listen."  
"Thank you. I- well, this home has been a lot better than any other home and I have felt happier than I have ever felt. No one has ever wanted me before. I never got to do anything before. I have never been to school, or even allowed to leave the house. I thought what was happening to me was normal. I-I thought it was my fault. And well, most of it was my fault."  
I paused to wipe some of the tears that had escaped my eyes. I glanced up at Magnus. He had such a sad, defeated look on his face, if heartbreak was a face, it would be the expression he was wearing. His eyes were moist, he wasn't crying, but he was close.

"I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I have a basic gist of what happened from your files, but there is always more. Would you like to have a cup of tea and tell me a little bit?"  
I nodded. And strangely, I wanted to. A week ago, I would have gone with him and stayed silent. But I wanted to talk. I wanted to tell someone what I went through and what I still am trying to deal with. But if he was going to tell Jace, then I couldn't I still don't want him to know everything that happened.

"But, if you could not tell anyone?" I asked him trying to gauge his reaction.

"Of course, patient confidentiality." He replied and smiled at me.

We sat down at the table and I held a warm mug filled to the brim with tea. I haven't found very many things that I actually like, but I loved this tea. I sat there sipping, until I could work up the courage to start talking. He waited; didn't say anything, just waited and smiled encouragingly.

"I was really little. My mother left. It was my fault. She and my birth father got married right out of high school because she was pregnant with me. She hated me, couldn't stand to look at me. So, she left. My real father kept me for a little, but then decided that he didn't want to be a single dad so young. I had no other relatives; no one wanted me. So I was put into the foster care system. I wasn't very old. I stayed at group home till I was a little bit older. I don't remember it there. Then I was sent to live with man number one. I'm going to call him that if that's all right?"

He nodded at me and I continued.

"He-I-did," I took a deep breath and tried again. " I was in charge of a lot of things. Cooking, cleaning, washing, and I couldn't even read. I caught on eventually. But every time I messed up, I-I-" I trailed off. Deep breaths, it's just memories. Just memories. Magnus waited, not saying anything.

"He would punish me. He would take me down into an awful basement. There were all kinds of things in that basement. Chains, lighters, knives, weapons that I'm pretty sure aren't legal. The walls were cold gray cement. They really hurt whenever someone throws you against it. He would lock me into a freezer for hours, and leave me there. Or get me up at random times of the night and drag me downstairs."

I grasped my tea. Trying to stay connected to the real world. Not to give into the memories. It's okay. It's okay. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

"He would test me. On pain tolerance, emotional health, anything he felt like. He would test my self-control by doing all kinds of things to me and if I spoke, I failed, if I cringed or moved; I failed. He would tell me about my mother, and how no one would ever want me if even my own mother never wanted me and if I reacted in any way. I failed. He would chain me to the wall and use the lighter to burn me, and then take the knife and cut the same spot."

I can't help myself as I glance down the scars that are visible on my hands. I have way more just not that he can see.

"Your scars are something to be proud of," He says gently. "It's proof that you survived and that you are very strong."  
"He used to tell me that I could never be strong. He called my weak and pathetic. But I am really. I tried fighting back, but never could win."

"You are not _weak_, you have never ever been weak. You are strong. You are a survivor. Clary, look at me. You are the strongest person I know. I know a lot of people." He says trying to console me. I glad that he said but I know he probably doesn't mean it.

"He hated even looking at me, I was such a failure. He would carve messages into my back with a knife, hoping that if I could feel them that I would remember them."

"And what would these messages say?"

"Usually something like that no loved me, that no one would ever love or that to love is to destroy. That was his favorite saying. To love is to destroy. It showed that love wrecked things up; it was never a good thing. Love ruined lives. Love caused wars and death. Love was never a good thing. So whenever he was really angry or wanted to get to me, he would call me love. To show that I was screw up and that I caused problems. He also did it to mock me. He always said he would be the only one to ever call me that. Because no one would ever love me."  
"That's not true. All of us here care for you, I would say love but to you that word has a negative connotation. So I won't. But you have to understand that all of us here care for you and want to help you."  
"Thank you."

"Okay, so I understand that you were in couple other foster homes as well?" He asked after I had been quiet for a little while.

"Yes, I was taken from man number one and went to stay with man number two. This home was different. I don't know if it was worse or if it was better. I did not have to work as hard but there were two of them. There were two people living there. There was man number two and then my foster brother. And both of them would-would- would" I stopped myself and tried to calm down. I counted until I could continue.

"Both of them touched me. And if I tried to fight back they would lock me in small yellow closet. Sometimes-in chains, and other times just in the closet, I was there for a few years. I had to cook and clean but by then I was better at it, however I would always manage to fuck something up. One day it would be something small, but then the next day it would forgetting to make dinner. Whatever the reason there was always a reason to punish me. I would be super tired or not be able to walk after what they did to me the night before and then have to get up and clean and try to remember everything. It was horrid."

"I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm trying to understand what happened okay?" I nodded at him.

"Did they touch you sexually?"

I nodded.

"Did they rape you?" He asks with caring eyes.

I nodded and tears started drip.

"Have you ever seen a therapist for any of this? Or ever talked to anyone about any of this?

"Jace knew about the tests, and he knew about the freezer but other than that. No." O told him still holding myself together.

"Thank you for telling me this. Part of the healing process and grief process is talking. I know what you told me today was hard for you."

I started sobbing. I couldn't help it. I don't even know why I am crying. I don't have a reason. Stop crying is weak. Crying is not something that you do in front of other people. That's not okay. I have to stop.

"Crying doesn't make you weak. It shows that you are human, and that you feel emotions. You are still the strongest person I know. Strong people cry. Weak people cry. Crying has nothing to do with how strong someone is. Did you know Alec used to cry all the time? When he was younger he would wake up in the middle of night crying and he would come to us. I would take him downstairs and we would each have a cup of tea and talk about what was bothering him. Ever since then it has been my tradition. In fact one time, the whole family came down. There was a huge thunderstorm and none of us could sleep. So we all came down to the kitchen and had tea. We ended up playing monopoly and then staying awake till four in the morning."

I chuckled and wiped away the rest of my tears.

"Do you feel any better after talking to me?"

I nodded, and I mean it. I did feel a little bit better.

"If you ever want to do this again you can come find me, okay? We can do this as often as I you want. I am here to help you. And the other thing I wanted to tell you is that if and when you feel comfortable you can call me dad. I don't know man number one or man number two made you call them but if it would make you more comfortable you can call me dad, okay? We are here for you."

"Thank you." I wanted to hug him. But I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that so I rest my hand on top of his and tried to smile at him.

"Thank you."

**This chapter is for all those who reviewed asking for a Magnus and Clary scene. You are welcome. Did I just totally fill you with all kinds of feelings? I'm not going to lie, I cried writing this. Review and tell me what I thought. Thanks for reading.**

***** please take down the copy of this story on devian art *** Thanks!**

**Sarcastic Choices**


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